Its been a while since I have been staring at the screen now, not that I am blank, but how my fingers are curled with anticipation. Recently they have been doing this a lot. Everytime I pick up my phone, I press few numbers and then just delete them. Sometimes its too scary, I hope the number had not been dialed, or that the call button had been pressed by mistake. And then I curl back my fingers in a fist. Ironically the only virtue you wanted me to practice “patience” comes to my rescue.
Last evening I was sitting in a room full of people joyously chattering, and talking, I was the loudest among them. But insides I was seething. Each and everybody hugged me tight before I left and I could only remember the way you had avoided even looking at me when you last left. I really had patted myself for not falling into pieces right there!! You really fell for that na, see I have improved a hell more than you ever thought.
Not a day passes when I know that you are just there, living in the same space, doing the same things. You will never know but I ended up preparing the way “nimbu paani”, you drank!! Shit!! How much I hated that taste of salt in my mouth……
I know about your anger, but so many a times I wish I should have shown you mine. I have seen your resentment but sadly I have none to show. The days I do try to forget, something springs up to remind me more cruelly than ever. Then I just remember that “I have to be strong, I cannot let this happen to me”……aah! see I remember that too!!
And there it hits me again!! It would never be the same again…..because I have started talking in past sense!
