I am a Bangalorean by mind, heart and soul - by choice. I was born in a town called Madanapalle in the state of Andra Pradesh in India as my father thought its easy to take care of my pregnant mother in a town over a city like Bangalore by trading accessories of clothing materials. Compromises in life began when I was in my mothers womb. As the business was going fine we moved back to Bangalore where I have been bred and brought up.
Like all kids I was born in ignorance, innocence, naughtiness and a sense of wonder in my eyes. My first vivid memory of life is my father taking me on his friend's Luna on the streets of Bangalore. I loved the smell of petrol used for the vehicle since then. My addiction for the smell of it is eternal - as long as I live in mortal terms. I love the sense of movement in vehicles even to this day. I don't ride or drive but love being driven in vehicles.
My father's death when I was three and a half years shook me. I knew nothing about death as a kid and when I asked my uncle what this meant, I was told he will never be back. The only significant thing I missed was he taking me on his friend's Luna and talking about things that I never seem to comprehend at that age. I have called a number of my friends my fatherly figure just because they take me wherever I want in their vehicles.
My illiterate, highly self-esteemed, potentially hardworking mother was a little depressed for a few months and finding ways to make a living and fulfill her dream of getting me educated and making me a graduate. She wanted me to grow up to be like my uncle who was the only graduate in our close familial circles. Her only logic was that if I become a graduate I can find a decent job and take care of myself and her.
There is one thing my illiterate, hard-working mother's determined goal and my fathers death did to me. It gave me a sense of absolute freedom. I was brought up by my granny and my uncle who never quite seemed to control me but nevertheless gave me all the necessities and overwhelming love. Even to this day, I just don't like being told what needs to be done. I will only do things my way. I will try to learn about the world and understand varied thinkers, philosophers and intellectuals but will only do things as I wish at my will.
The second cherished memory of my early life is hanging around with my cousin. I loved being with her. Holding her hand and walking around places during festivities in our familial circles was the best phase of my life. My sense of attraction for the opposite gender has always been evident since then but my longing to be always with her and the separation due to familial dramas has made me very cautious of getting emotionally attached to anyone. Ironically, the only thing I care in life is deep, meaningful friendships and strong attachments.
I try desperately hard to make people I love to love me back. I am sure I almost kind-off scare the hell out of them to love me back the way I love them - with utmost faith, sincerity, intensity and inexplicable, mysterious madness. However, its strange but true that nobody can love us the way we want anyone else to love us. Everybody is unique and people will only like us their way and never our way. This epiphany has made me strangely detached to everything in life.
My mother's ultimate goal of me being a graduate is now fulfilled with the help of my mother, aunt, granny, friends, acquaintances and classmates. Each one of them has played a crucial role in fulfilling my mother's dream and I have somehow manged to get job offers as well. I am writing this after I have convincingly worked in two different organizations for more than a year's time each. My passion for cracking interviews has got me numerous MNC job offers and am waiting to become what I want to become. JUST BE MYSELF.
I have done everything that I thought I couldn't do when I was growing up but badly wanted to. Having failed in 4 out of 6 subjects in a high school test, I wanted to score distinctions in exams I gave. I scored. I wanted to madly fall in love. I have found many people I have genuinely felt love for. I wanted to build great friendships. I did build a few great ones. I wanted to travel in flights. I traveled. I wanted to get into an MNC in Bangalore. I got into many. I wanted to splurge money on branded stuff. I did. I wanted to own a PC. I got one. I wanted to own a cell phone. I own 3 of them and I just got S3 a few months back.
In the journey of experiencing the above mentioned, I have behaved cheaply at regular intervals - I have ran away, lied, panicked, fooled around, succumbed to negative emotions, frightened, written suicide letters, been self-destructive and have ruthlessly offended and threatened others. I have intentionally goofed up many things stupidly philosophizing the futility of living. I have offended my closest ones and myself and have laughed at everyone and everything at times.
Ironically, I see how cheap, local and ordinary my dreams were when my friends and people around had bigger aspirations. My friends thought of completing their Engineering, Medical and professional courses like Chartered Accountancy and they have done it. I have had friends who have sublimely dedicated themselves to social service after being good at their academics and work places. One of my friends is traveling to the US to research on DBMS and assess business opportunities available in that domain. My close friend wants to make millions, own fancy cars and a bungalow. My ex-colleagues aspire to be excellent Managers, Vice President's, MD's of organizations I have worked in. There are many awe-inspiring, success stories of the wealthy and popular celebrities in any chosen field of life.
I ask myself what do I need from life and if at all I do have a so called higher calling. I have absolutely none. I am fond of writing and acting but I never explore opportunities or market myself well. My interests lie in movies, books, interviews and traveling. At times, I seem to care too little for money, borrowed knowledge from books, fame or anything tagged with so called success. I genuinely believe life is its own end. All I want is to be myself living life my way. I want to live for the moment. I want to be consciously alive and go with the flow of life.
This is my way of living - Unique, crazy, freaky, funny, dangerous, spontaneous, contradictory, honest, straight-forward, open, mysterious, evolving, being absolutely mad and taking everything that comes my way with open arms.
