My fingers feel the jagged walls, while I walk down the 13th floor through the dark staircase. I have lost my way, I assume or probably I lie to myself to keep erect my mountain of ‘Ego’. I press my foot longer than usual in futile attempt of not making any noise while I walk in that dark corridor every alternate day. I breathe gently too, with fear of someone hearing me. I am known pretty well in an around and I had to live up to certain reputation too. Reputation, built by me. Though no longer I identify myself in the old mirror but people remind me how I am and I am supposed to behave. I reach the door which isn’t my ‘destination’ no matter how much I would have wanted it to be. I take a sigh of relief when I notice a lock hanging on that door. I sit there quietly gazing at the door. Sometimes I feel the grills which guard that wooden door; I hope you haven’t got them fixed for me, so that I don’t intrude. I fear touching the door. Am I not supposed to wish seeing you ? but its otherwise. I pray for your absence when I quietly walk in that dark corridor. Sometime when my prayers are not answered and you are actually in there. I sit there freezed. I feel the light which licks through the spaces below ur door ,.. When ur shadows cut the lights… I shiver… but I stay .. I don’t understand myself but I still do this ritual almost every alternate day.
Do you ever get to know? Do you feel someone crossing outside ur door?
Days, I ensure to keep myself busy … I have presumed again or probably I lie to myself to curb a need which u have created in my life. But Nights, when my unnecessarily kept gathering and parties are over .. and I lie amidst the dirty room of empty beer can’s and half filled liquor glasses… I have nothing else to do then to think about you. That’s the only moment I curse Mobile technology … when I can’t call to hear ur voice with fear of being caught. I wish for those Landlines days .. When no one would ever know till you open ur mouth and you can call endlessly to hear their voices. And when I can’t do that, I keep gazing up in the skies. Sharing endlessly how much I miss you. Somehow I have started believing in all the fairytales funda’s which mom gave me of talking through stars..
Do u ever look up in the skies to watch stars? Do they tell you what I feel?
You might find all this funny but I don’t laugh at it. Sometime I wish to stop you and tell everything. But then I wonder why you would wanna know. Becaz with each passing day I feel.. My need in ur life is fading out. I know everything that has happened I am the only cause.. But I wonder? Which one is the bigger fault?
Loving you? or Letting you go ? ?
Boloh ?
