Attack of the evil undead. Review on Writing Reviews on MouthShut

Has it ever occurred to anyone that writing a review on writing reviews is like singing a song on singing or dancing a dance on dancing? Considering the number of reviews written on this topic, I would say NO. I am not surprised actually, such thoughts occur only to me. The topic is so complicated(ah huh?), challenging(you don't say!), majestic(okay, wrong adjective), marvellous(wrong again!), machiavellian(whoa! what! .. will someone open the right page of the dictionary!) that you either do a brilliant job or make a complete fool of oneself. Knowing me, there is only one way this write-up will head. Completely down under(stop quaking in your boots O Ghost of Oz .. its only a write-up, Grimm da Reeper ain't concerned about you, yet .. evil grin .. evil laughter .. jaw ache)

Writing a review is not exactly about WRITING a review(what a profound statement! Re-read it and then go ahead) It also involves what you do before and after you write your review. Here again there are two kinds of reviewers involved - the vile, repugnant, malicious(good dictionary! .. good dictionary!) plagiarist and the un-plagiarising(fresh addition to the Queen's language) reviewer.

Tips for the original reviewer:

Before writing the review: Use the product(fine fine .. you already knew that) Well its like this, if your uncle's granny's third cousin's son's friend(close friend no less!) loved it, it doesn't mean you may like it. On the other hand if your only uncle's only nephew/niece(can't be both, usually) liked it, then thats okay(pause for a moment to marvel at my command over human relations and biology) Make notes when you use(?) the product. You can use them later in your review. Or you can do what I do and just make up things as you go along(okay, forget I ever said that)

''Actual'' writing of the review:

Make sure your review is spelt prporely beaucse if it isn't then the redaer will have trubole firigung what you have wrtiten(and you thought the human brain was a palalrel .. oops parallel processor?) If you are too lazy to spellcheck, mail me your rev and I'll spellcheck it for you, for a nominal fee of course.

As far as possible stick to the topic in question. What I mean is if you are reviewing a movie - say Basic Instincts - don't branch out to writing about ..umm.. the benefits of physical exercise(on second thoughts, thats not really a deviation of topic, is it?) One more try .. if you are reviewing a bike - say Suzuki Fiero - don't start harping about how good the Indian cricket team is(Yes! I got it right this time) ... Speaking of the Indian cricket team, I do feel that we should get rid of Agarkar and replace him by someone else .. also don't you think that India would be better off opening the batting with Tendulkar and Sehwag and move Ganguly to 3 and I also feel ... see, how the flow of the review got affected(yeah I did it on purpose .. and no, Ganguly should not open!)

Since you have used the product, please make use of your memory(left side of the brain, preferably .. do note that my review is more or less completely right-brain dominated) or your notes(har!) and mention what you felt about it as you used it. Please provide clear reasons why you like or dislike the product. Saying something like ''I LIKE COKE I LIKE COKE I LIKE COKE I LIKE COKE I LIKE COKE I LIKE COKE I LIKE COKE I LOVE GOLD I LIKE COKE I LIKE COKE I LIKE COKE I LIKE COKE I LIKE COKE I LIKE COKE I LIKE COKE I LIKE COKE I LIKE COKE I LIKE COKE I LIKE COKE I LIKE COKE I LIKE COKE I LIKE COKE I LIKE COKE I LIKE COKE I LIKE COKE I LIKE COKE I LIKE COKE I LIKE COKE '' does save time and also shows your expertise with your text editor(and also that you like coke) but really doesn't make much sense. Such reviews get the priceless NR rating, in record time, from the alert reader. The alert reader will also notice that there was a I LOVE GOLD in between all the I LIKE COKE(you didn't notice, did you? .. now now, no shame in admitting!) Incidentally I LIKE COKE is the only thing some people write in their reviews which means I have now written a two-in-one review(a MS first, surely). Maybe I should mail MS management and ask them if they'll increase my review count from 19 to 20.

Usage of good fonts and formatting is a grand idea(clearly I need to do some work on mine) Writing in logically

separate paragraphs is not a bad idea at all. Anything to make the review easy on the eyes for the person who is reading your review is welcome. To make things nicer for the reader, don't put ASCII art of Aishwarya Rai though .. on second thoughts, thats not a bad idea .. on third thoughts, it is. Put art of Uma Thurman(note to self: must try this in next rev)

The ending of the review should be strong and reiterate your opinion of the product. For example, if you are reviewing intelligence, you would be well advised to not mention George W Bush in the conclusion .. on second thoughts, don't mention him anywhere in your review. You COULD mention his name if you are reviewing latent(read reeaallly well hidden .. well hidden to the point of being absent) intelligence though. Also remember to give the ''product'' a proper rating. Don't give a product 5 stars when you have been criticising it all through your review or give it 1 star after praising it to the heavens in your review. Speaking of rating of products, try really hard not to laugh your guts out when you write a review on a sports personality.How in the name of Sauron do you rate a sportsperson as a product? For example, how do I rate Anna Kournikova as a product? She plays so much tennis(high sarcasm alert) that I can't follow all her exploits unless I am .. umm ... Enrique Iglesias(who did you think I would mention?) My friends tell me(for a price) that I look like Iglesias when I'm in a closed room with all lights switched off and wearing a mask. So all you non-Iglesias types are hereby strictly barred from reviewing Anna.

After writing the review:Well, you have to post the review and see if it gets rated or commented upon. I usually watch out for comments that read ''Hail Grimm Reeper, you are the lord of all you survey .. lead me to darkness from light!''. I must say so far no one has shown the uncommon sense to write such a comment. If someone disagrees with your opinion, find their address and send them mails threatening to send them a thousand copies of your review everyday by post. That usually makes them agree to your opinion. If that doesn't, threaten to send your pic(thats what I do). That usually does the trick ... may not work for all you pretty ladies and handsome men though.

Thats it. You are ready now to write your review on Mouthshut. Make your opinion matter. Affect people's decisions with your opinion .. or as in my case, affect people's sanity. And before I end(hey hey, no need to applaud so soon!) remember to have a meaningful title to your review. I don't think the attack of the evil undead has anything to do with writing reviews on Mouthshut, do you?