Firstly,
What happens when you desperately want to watch much recommended Tamil movie “Autograph” and harass your VCD library fellow to no end for weeks together?
He glib talks you into borrowing another movie “Udhaya,” swearing by his entire genepool for its splendid virtuosity.
And after watching it you have a nagging doubt whether it was his way of getting even with you for all the consistent pestering.
Next-ly,
What happens when you are impressed with the credits rolling – Vijay, Simran, A.R. Rehman and a director who was an assistant to Maniratnam?
Your expectations soar high to expect a masterpiece or at least a decently enjoyable flick.
And after 2 hrs into the movie, you are still waiting for the story to take off. Finally you realize that there was NO story in the first place, it’s just your sanity that took off.
Further-ly,
What happens when Vijay - the hero, a MSc in Quantum Physics (QP), gets a job at Princeton University because he wrote a scientific paper on Superconductivity for Journal of America(?) ? [Can someone give me the address of this University please? No TOEFL, No GRE, No nothing. Just one single paper and presto, I get a scholarship!]
He kicks the offer as he is too patriotic to set his foot on a foreign land. He takes up part-time teaching at a local college where he tutors Simran – the heroine, all about Static Electricity (SE) in a literally hair-raising manner i.e., using his body hair and a comb. But somehow during the rest of the movie later on, we are told time and again that hero is a MSc in Atomic Physics (AP).
And after all that mind blowing Physics, you are blaming your science teacher for not telling you how easily Cryogenics and Static Electricity take quantum leaps to become QP & AP as and when suited.
What happens when the hero, in between wooing Simran, conducts a terrific Physics (?) experiment in his college Chemistry Lab?
He invents a new explosive by harnessing the chain reaction of Thorium metal. To hell with all nuclear reactors and thermal power plants, you are spellbound to see what can be achieved using simply a test tube and 100 ml flask with some blue liquid heated under a bunsen burner.
And what can be more fun when at a much later time the hero actually names his invention as “RDY” since it’s an improvement over RDX.
What happens when the QP-SE-AP lecturer is heartbroken in love and sets off to Chennai?
He becomes a Reporter (help!) for a local daily and covers sensational news about spirit (the liquid kind) theft in a morgue by certain high profiled politico-underworld don who black markets it in the liquor industry.
And before you know you are accusing your old Chemistry professor as well. Because he taught you that hideous smelling Formalin used in preserving dead bodies is NOT the Ethanol spirit consumed in alcohol. Gosh, this is one scientific movie alright.
What happens when Vivek - hero’s sickening comical sidekick, is killed by hoodlum gang in a revenge-seeking act?
Besides you breathing a sigh of relief, the hero joins a Socialist gang headed by Nassar and becomes a Social Worker (Does it get any better than this? Yes.. keep reading) But he doesn’t realize that Nassar is only exploiting him to obtain 10 kg of RDY. Nassar then sponsors a shoddy lab, cheap chemicals, red green electric wires and even the expenses of heroine (inclusive of singing dream duets in foreign lands).
And you are irate how stupid Nassar can be. Can’t he simply buy some RDX instead? At least that would save us from watching this torture further.
What happens when the hero is wrongly implicated under false charges for blasting a train, jailed, tortured and eventually discovering true nature of Nassar?
You have to sit through rigorous emotional scenes of hero meeting his family from behind bars, his dad conking, Simran shouting her lungs out sentimentally in her 2 scenes of prominence and such melodrama. You have to also bear reels of action sequences of fugitive hero trashing hundred goons between saving school children from burning buses, heavy duty fights and finally flinging Nassar into one of the smoldering vehicle.
And by now you are very badly crossing all your 10 fingers & 20 toes (inclusive of imaginary 10 for extra hope) in a hope that it was the climax and “The End” is displayed. But alas..
What happens when Good Samaritan hero bows down to law, gets himself arrested and presented before a court for vindication?
Thousands of school kids flock the courtroom yelling his name that melts the heart of the Lady judge who then declares hero innocent and be released asap. So our QP-SE-AP-Lecturer-turned-Reporter-turned-Social Worker-turned-Accused-turned-He Man-turned-whatever.. hero walks out in glee to hug his beloved.
And.. Aaaarrrrrrrgghhhh, I wish I were a dead goose.
Lastly,
What happens when people associated with such movies of no story or common sense whatsoever try to impress you with.. NOTHING?
ARR when decided to be at his worst, does it in the best possible way - with incomplete songs, garbage lyrics and very forgettable music. If you want to know how a movie can be made without ANY teeny weeny bit of Editing, illogical sequences of long and cut shots, absolutely no screenplay or even slightest Direction for that matter, then go for Udhaya.. which should have in fact been aptly titled ‘Madeya’ (Nincompoop, if my limited knowledge in tamil is correct).
And the only solace was that the movie ended before our hero went about another series of experiments to invent.. RDZ!
