!~~Chronicles of the colluding cooker ~~!. Review on Tips while using a Pressure Cooker

It generally starts with the small spoon - "Hey pot, when was the last time you took a shower?" "How should I know. Probably the last time the pan and I were soaking together." says the pot. Pat comes the reply in that squeaky scheming voice "And when was that? my dear pan. When was the last time u had a soak with Mr. pot here?" The pan says "I believe it was 2 weeks ago when something was cooked in me". And since the cooker is the biggest, heaviest and loudest of the lot, they all go to him - for he is the undisputed king of the kitchen! "Help us O big one. help us so we get more attention!"

Ofcourse, the day they choose to ask the cooker is the day the cooker's daughter - the frying pan - was getting married to the pot and thus the cooker could not refuse them their favour. In a loud booming voice, the cooker replies "Since u all have come asking for a favour; on this, the day of my daughter's wedding, I shall grant it to u and make him pay attention to all of u in a way he'll never forget". Saying this, he gives each utensil a kiss on the forehead and grants them their favour. Thus it starts my friends. the mutiny of the kitchenwares!

And this is why the cooker must be destroyed at all costs! Let me give u some tips on how to do that!

1. parch it - by putting less or no water in it. This will ensure the darn thing will overheat and the eye of the dragon will melt(safety valve). The death this way is silent and if done correctly, can even result in the rubber gasket inserted in the cover to melt thus fusing the lid to the body! A permanent death!

Note: As it is the most common, u'll get away with it easily - especially if u are female and add the right amount of giggles in front of ur beloved. However, if its ur mom ur facing, it's in ur best interest to maintain a stern face unless she laughs first!

1. make it look like an accident - Put the cooker on the stove - add everything as usual and go to the bathroom and forget about the cooker. Let the stove do the heating - while u cool off in the shower! In case of an investigation, u'll have an iron-clad alibi from the bath-tub!

Note: For best results, do it while listening to loud music as this'll also cover u if the detective asks "didn't u hear the cooker wail?" - The other utensils will mellow down after watching the cooker have a slow, painful and loud melt-down! **Pure Evil Genius stuff!

Warning: **If ur intent is to do just temporary damage, this method is not 4u as the food will stick to the cooker, burn and render it useless even if u can replace the safety valve with a spare one. It will also cause a lot of smoke depending on the length of the shower; but the smoke will only teach the utensils a lesson they need to learn!

1. use its own words against it - When the food is ready, take the cooker off the stove and try to pry it open forcefully! If people ask u why - tell them u misunderstood the words pressure cooker and were merely following what u thought were directions!

Note: This method is generally useless on the cooker, but it can be effective in spraying the hot steam and steaming hot contents on the utensils - This art however needs to be mastered after careful practice and care should be taken to wear safety glasses to protect ur eyes as in ur eagerness to win, u'll end up spraying the contents on ur face. If u do not turn blind after ur first attempt, u can practice again and again till perfection is achieved!

Warning: If u are weak-handed, its best to steer clear of this method.

1. smoke'em out - put the cooker on one stove - put oil in the frying pan - this one needs some prior planning -one day earlier, put some beer in the fridge and then start this method of torture. Turn both stoves on above-normal heat and retreat into the bedroom with the beer. After 20 minutes, call friends and ask them while pointing to the smoke alarm - "why is this thing on the ceiling wailing!" They'll ask u to check the kitchen - at that time act surprised as if u forgot u had something cooking. Run to the kitchen after 30 minutes - by this time the frying pan would be on fire - Eureka! You have now witnessed an idiom turn into reality! Now take the hot cooker and frying pan and place them onto the floor thus staining the floor with a burn mark! Tell the apartment office you did it to save the part of the microwave that had not already melted into the frying pan from the oil fire! This method will save the cooker, but will kill his daughter - thus breaking the cooker's spirit. And as u have now subdued the cooker, u'll have all the other utensils eating out of the palm of ur hand ensuring permanent victory!

Note: Do not have a fire extinguisher around in this method as it can help prevent considerable damage. If the smoke in the kitchen does not teach those pesky utensils a lesson, the burn mark stain on the flooring should be a pretty dark and ghastly reminder!

1. khilaa khilaa ke maaroo - Stuff the darn thing with food! So much food that it does not have any room to breath and vent the steam! This will cause it to burst - The death this way is messy as everything in the vicinity will be sprayed with the contents, but it will have maximum impact. As it will spray the hot contents on the utensils lurking around, they will witness the demise of their kingpin first hand and it will drive home the point of who the ultimate boss is!

Note: If done with the right amount of turmeric powder(read excess) it will also leave permanent yellow stain marks on the kitchen walls, thus preventing the next mutiny! For best results, use dal with turmeric!

*All the best in ur battle against ur kitchen's best friend and ur arch enemy - the cooker!

PS: No. 5 is my most preferred method as I have successfully killed 3 cookers this way - the last one of which was killed just moments ago, thus sparking this review! However, to ensure my dominance, I still managed to finish cooking in the same cooker! While cleaning up the remains of the food from the oil can, I could hear her telling the can opener "its only been 3 days and he's rubbing me already and you have been here forever and yet he throws you into the dishwasher!" - Grrrrrrr, those pesky utensils will never learn, will they!

The remaining methods have been successfully tried and tested by various colleagues and friends to great effect and I can vouch for most of them personally. So friends and readers, do you still think the pesky utensils should be spared or should they be used more often?

:D

! Spike!

PS: All characters in this review are fictional - any resemblance to anyone living or dead is purely coincidental and unintentional. In fact, this review in itself is so useless it should not be read by anyone;-)