May 03, 2007 09:33 AM
5388 Views
After 55 years of intense research, I've finally cracken Da Table Code. All those years of silent observation and intense suffering that stemmed from sampling culinary disasters have paid off. I now have the ultimate formula that can vastly enhance the social life of human beings.
The formula is: SU+ DS+ NN+ EP+ TW+ LQSince none of you have the scientific knowledge or the expertise in this field, I'm going to expand that. loosely translated it means.
Shut Up+ Dont Spill+ No Noise+ Eat Proper+ Tip Waiter+ Leave Quietly
Here are extracts from the 2392 page document that I wrote on this. These extracts relate to restaurants or fine dining joints and not to table manners at home(although you can adapt and adopt them to suit home needs)
Case Study 1: The Broken Arrow Syndrome
A broken arrow is a nuclear weapon that has lost its way and can pose a threat to mankind. In a restaurant, this refers to children who are let loose on the unsuspecting public. Here are possible occurances that can possibly occur if this happens:
a. The chlid decides to play dodge em around the tables. In the process, half the cutlery and almost all the food in the neighbourhood takes an aerial route.
b. Incessant screams can cause cardiac arrests among elderly co-diners. It can also cause waiters to take voluntary retirement. at the age of 24.
c. The invent cool games like Send The Waiter On A Trip, Straw Javelin Throw or Who Can Spit Food Further(these games are being considered for the next Olympic games due to their popularity).
How To Handle This: Kids are kids. They're just bored. Entertain them. Carry crayons or puzzles or their favourite board games. In extreme cases, just grab a burger and eat at home or leave the kids at home.
Case Study 2: The Concerto in E Minor on Table 4 Syndrome
This one's a personal favourite of mine. It involves conducting a mini orchestra on your table using all available resources.
a. Expensive china and glassware can be used as chimes and percussions. The Table itself can be a big drum that everyone can play together. Forks and Spoons serve as assault weapons. er. I mean. drum sticks.
b. You can also go A Capella(which, for those who don't know what the term means. is simply using your vocal chords as a musical instrument). The noises include CHOMP, SMACK, GARGLE, GLUG GLUG and some unique sounds that can only be generated by some individuals.
c. To complete the concerto, you can have the odd CRASH of a glass falling down or a plate that someone took and whacked their husbands on the head with. These add more colour and drama to the music.
Hitting the wrong notes? Music is a great thing. But then, you're sharing space with a lot of others who might not like the genre of music you are playing at your table. Also, the restaurant owner probably sold his kidney to buy those cultery. Please treat property with respect.
Case Study 3: Culture Vulture
Some people like to eat with hands, some with spoons, some with legs, some straight from the bowl. We're just different wines made from the same grapes(Please dont ask me what that means).
I eat Chinese with chopsticks. Took a while to get it right. Could have used a fork. Didn't make me feel cool or anything but the Chinese folk that I was eating with felt good. And that was worth the effort.
Moral of that story: Part of Table manners is respecting other cultures.
The rest of my case studies can be bought from a book shop. I'll leave you with the Ten Commandments of Table Manners:
Thou shall eat what's on thy plate.
Thou shall not make unpleasant noises(from any part of the body) at the dining table.
Thou shall not kick people's shins(under the table).
Thou shall not read Adult Magazines at the dining table(especially when there are children around).
Thou shall not torment the cutlery.
Thou shall not wink at the host's wife or sister.
Thou shall be polite and thank thy host or mom or whoever made the food. Thou shall refrain from thanking everyone including the family cat(a la grammy style)
Thou shall not throw salt in thy neighbours eye.
Thou shall maintain thy dignity(if thou hath any)
Thou shall not sing Bohemian Rhapsody at concert volume during a dining experience.
For more information. log on to https://justshutupandeatyoufreak.com
That concludes this piece. Now I have to spend the next 55 years of my life researching the mating patters of Tree Frogs in the Amazon jungle.
Take care and treat your fellow diners with respect.
~finis~
