When will it end Mummy, when can we go home?. Review on Salaam-E-Ishq

WARNING- The movie is 3 and a half hours long, and feels like it is double that!!! Only the last ten minutes of the movie are tolerable.

In our Indian movie theatres, amongst the audience, there are always a few annoying kids who whine throughout the movie and go, "When will this movie end Mummy, when can we go home?" . In this instance, the ubiquitous whining kid could have been me, or at the very least, expressing my sentiments! This is what the over-long, terribly edited "Salaam-e-ishq" is about...

Seven different couples in love, various plots unfolding in a rush at the same time....

Plot no 1- Kamini and Rahul (Priyanka Chopra and Salman Khan) Kamini is an ambitious Bollywood item girl. Wants to make it big and become a Karan Johar movie heroine. To that end, she fakes a "true romance" with Rahul (Salman) so that somehow she appears "genuine" to Karan Johar. The fake romance actually becomes true romance in the end and they live happily ever after.....makes no sense to you?Not to me either!

Review/Rating- Zero Chemistry between Priyanka and Salman. Cant blame them entirely though...hard to emote romance when they are part of such an unfortunate story! Salman is all mannerism and fake "phoren" accent. Priyanka is annoying as "flaky filmstar", until she turns mesmerisingly serious in one scene. My rating for this plot 1 out of 5

Plot no 2- Ashutosh and Tehzeeb(John Abraham and Vidya Balan). Hindu-Muslim married couple, both tv personalities, madly in love with each other. Girl has accident loses memory..forgets guy altogether! Guy still loves her and keeps hounding her till she gets her memory back.

Review/Rating- The most boring story of the lot. After her wheelchair stint in "Guru", Vidya Balan is now reduced to playing comatose and amnesic! Neither John nor Vidya is bad per se (in fact Vidya is great and John works really hard to be good), but again, they are victims of bad storytelling. My rating 2 out of 5.

Plot no 3- Vinay and Seema (Anil Kapoor and Juhi Chawla) Vinay is turning 40, in a perfect marriage (with Juhi), with perfect kids, perfect house, perfect job...and thoroughly bored! Meets exciting 20 year old Anjali (Anjana Sukhani) and has his head turned. Almost leaves his perfect wife for her, but decides not to in the end...why? Coz he is convinced by Kamini (Priyanka) not to.

Review/Rating-Priyanka, in this story? Doesnt make sense? I know...but it is the one scene where Priyanka is great! Anil Kapoor is reliably good, as is Juhi Chawla. Had their scenes been edited better, it might have turned out to be a good story..as it is, it drags on and my rating...2.5 out of 5

Plot no 4- Haryanvi couple(Sohail Khan and Isha Koppikar) Newly married couple, unable to consummate their marriage due to a series of bizarre, funny incidents.

Review/Rating- These two are hardly ever there in the movie....when they are, they are entertaining. They add the slapstick, funny element to the movie. My rating 3 out of 5.

Plot no 5- Gia and something Dungarpur(Ayesha Takia and Akshaye Khanna) Engaged couple. Dungarpur guy is scared witless about marriage and backs out at the last minute. Girl coolly decides to marry someone else. Guy regains good sense in the end and marries her.

Review/Rating- "Pyaar ke side effects" anyone? Same plot, but great comic timing demonstrated by Akshaye Khanna, and Ayesha Takia is refreshingly natural. Therefore my rating is 4 on 5.

Plot no 6- Raju taxi driver and Phirang "Madam" Stephanie(Govinda and Shannon) Head in the clouds Raju taxi driver, always dreaming about some phirang me'm who will arrive one day, get into his taxi, ask him to take her to the Taj Mahal, and then fall in love with him! A Phirang madam does arrive, but she is in love with an NRI who doesnt want to marry her. She comes to India in order to chase NRI down and get him to marry her. Raju ends up falling for her and in true filmy "sacrificial" style, is determined to get her reunited with her NRI boyfriend.

Review/Rating- If Salaam-e-ishq" was based on this one story alone, it would have been GREAT.Both Govinda and the Australian actress Shannon are wonderful, even though they make quite a bizarre couple. The chemistry between the two is superb. The scenes are comic (she cant speak Hindi, he cant speak English!) and suitably romantic when required. Look forward to seeing Govinda in the next Aparna Sen movie...think he'd be great. My rating 5 out of 5.

Plot no 7- Nikhil Advani and KARAN JOHAR-Two film directors previously in love with each other, have a fall out. One director decides to go his own way and make a film that is "completely different" from anything his ex would make. However, he cant help mentioning his ex at every stage in the movie, or paying tribute to his ex's movies through various scenes in the film.

Review/Rating- There are better ways to get over an ex than to make a movie about love THAT DOES NOTHING FOR THE CAUSE OF LOVE. Get over your KJ fetish first before attempting to direct again Nikhil. My rating...cant you guess?!!!