Below is an aptitude test to determine your likings of recent days Bollywood ‘so-called’ horror movies. Go ahead and make your choices. No matter which option you select, you still are a winner.
1. Despite warned by your friends, why do you end up watching movies like “Krishna Cottage”
a) I just LOVE horror movies, especially when they are more comical than scary.
b) I am an ardent fan of Balaji Telefilms & Ektaa Kapoor and will not let go any occasion to mock their masterful creations.
c) I am plain simply stupid (yeah, more like it).
2. The movie is named Krishna Cottage, because
a) ‘Meat & Sausage’ won’t probably go well with vegans.
b) It rhymes very fine with ‘Brain Damage’ and ‘Utter Garbage.’
c) After all, what’s in a name? I would still watch it if they call it ‘Charles Babbage.’
3. The story of KC is
a) a love triangle between an extra terrestrial, a paranormal and an abnormal (who go by the names of Sohail, Isha and Natassha respectively, in real life) spanning their 2 births and 3 torturous hours of your life.
b) a sorry tale of a Siamese cat, 2 mangy mongrels and one nasty toad (known as Vrijesh Hirji) all of which are college friends of ET and Ab mentioned above, and all of which get killed one after another despite a golden lens sporting flowing hairs lady tantrik, Rati, trying to wriggle them out from the clutches of a haunting ghost.
c) Who cares? Its all still mindless and incoherent like those stupid 9 and a half love stories... so lean back in your chair, enjoy your popcorn & vakau coke instead.
4. The most hilarious recollections are
a) Sohail’s snowy encounters with himself of early 70s (confused? its alright, don’t bother.. its not worth the efforts anyway) where he had the same haircut, same trendy clothes and same obnoxious visage.
b) An ichchadari ghost which is mostly human but whenever the trantrik calls, it rises from a grave, becomes an apparition and goes on a possessing extravaganza.
c) Raj Zutshi.
5. Its most boring and nerve grating while
a) old fogies trying to pass off as teenagers, student quarters are posh independent bungalows with solitary residents, stupid principals/ professors, irritating repetitions of store room and corridor scenes, Valentine’s Day song out of nowhere, Delhi - Simla hopping in matter of minutes, Flashbacks -100 times in negative vision and then all over again in studio washed print mode..
b) the suspense and horror (was there any??) elements, the ghost, its haunting, past recollections, killing spree, and the bl**dy Krishna Cottage.
c) trying to figure out which scenes were lifted from which Hollywood movies, and which other scenes were adapted from what serials on TV.
6. Who do you think is really Bindaas?
a) Sohail – who presumes acting is all about keeping a straight expressionless face in every frame / Isha – who takes the cliché ‘looks to kill’ tad too literally / Natassha – sashaying her huge bulk, dressed ala Phantom style.
b) Anu Malik – for scraping his bathroom tub using a tin mug in the name of music.
c) Santram and Ektaa – for all obvious and agonizing reasons.
7. And whose case was sadly Khallas?
a) Audience
b) Viewer
c) Me
8. In this movie you sorely missed
a) Tusshar Kapoor – how I would have loved to see him as ‘Aghori Baba.’
b) Esha Deol – cannot think her as anything else other than a witch.
c) Jumping Jack Jeetendra – of course only in the leading role that of Sohail’s! Just imagine him rolling down the snowy Simla slopes in his white boots!
9. After this dreadful encounter, what have you been praying for?
a) God, please banish Ektaa from this country… no, make that this continent, planet, galaxy and universe!
b) Ramsays Brothers, where are you?? I really miss you. Please do come back.
c) What prayers?? I am dead and a ghost myself!
And..
10) Why were questions 7 & 8 unnecessarily added to this review as an afterthought?
a) To reach that magical milestone of 9 and a half?
b) … … … To be not continued… … …
