Hi friends,
I dunno what to say. I'm writing on the pages of Mouthshut
once again, after a period of a year. Is this my comeback? No yaar, its
not. Is it a goodbye then? I hate to use that word. Technically
speaking, this is my last article as manoj101.
You might ask me
if I will still be associated with MS. Yes, I will. Who wouldnt?!
Somehow, anyhow, I always want to be associated with MS. Then, why am I
quitting as a member? I will tell you why.
manoj101's early days.
Why
did manoj101 join MS in the first place? As many of the veteran members
may be aware(reading my earlier reviews) I was just recovering from a
major depression two years ago. I loved a girl dearly in my company but
she rejected my proposal. Never ever had I cried so bitterly in my life
than I did that night. I quit that company in the cosmopolitan city and
came back to Kerala, to recover. During the process of recovery, I
happened to chance upon Mouthshut in google.com. I was a complete
stranger simply staring at the reviews of other members here. And then
a thought popped up, "Why not write a review?" All I need are my
thoughts & English! Anyway I required a positive change, so I took
the chance. Since I love movies dearly, I wrote my first review on
Malayalam movie Nandanam. Few comments trickled in and I got a good
number of hits too. And that's how, like countless other MSians, I got
hooked here. Who wouldn't get hooked watching the number of hits one
gets for his/her reviews? Who can resist the joy of receiving the
fabulous comments of others? Who wouldn't want only "Very useful" stamps of approval? I still recall with a smile that veteran member Diver(Teny) was the first to comment on my first review.
And
so, the days, weeks, months and a year passed by as manoj101. During
this long period, as appreciation began to pour in, I began to
labour(really labour) to write a better review. To get the next "beautiful review", "coool* review", "chweet review*"
comments, I sat for two hours, three hours or even more in a day to
produce an article that will bring me my next fodder - a positive
comment! At what cost? At the cost of my academics or other significant
priorities in my life. At the time, I didn't care. MS helped me quickly
& tremendously to recover from my depression. Addiction towards
people's response to my reviews or comments began to fill the vacuum
left by the rejection I faced from the girl I loved.
Members Afrank(Sujata) and Akisha(Sonika)
Which
elderly(lol) MS member does not know these 2 members? Especially the
former, who, at one point of time, was arguably the most popular member
here.
Afrank
When I was in the initial weeks of being in MS, I noticed another popular member jai_coer(Jai)'s cool reviews. While racing thru the comments section of his reviews, I caught Sujata's comments. I wondered, "How do I get her comment in my review too?!"
How do I get a comment from one of the most popular members in MS? I
thought it's an uphill task. But one fine day, I wrote a review on the
book "Liberated Parents, Liberated Children". And there she was,
quietly knocking at the door, and leaving a sweet & short comment.
Her first comment to my review! I was like, "Yipeee!" And so,
gradually yet steadily, her feedback began to pour in. Finally, it
reached a stage where I couldn't sleep well if I didn't receive a reply
to my comment to her reviews! Believe it or not, friends. And I didn't
want to leave simply a comment. I wanted to leave a thrilling, exciting
or a hilarious comment. Why? Because I craved for her appreciation! Her
soothing, nice words were kinda therapeutic. They made me temporarily
forget my boredom or criticisms from my family or the hatred I felt for
myself for not doing anything significant in life. My whole day
revolved around eating, sleeping, bathing and writing reviews or
sharing my experiences in MS. And sometimes, when Sujata used
to leave a rather cold reply or comment(or so I felt), I would feel
pretty miserable the entire day. And then, I would go searching
longingly for the next appreciation, from the next female MS member I
could find. And there came on the hilltop, Sonika:)
Akisha
Before I speak further, I must clarify something. Some may wonder, "Arey, who's this fella? A psycho from Darr stalking annoyed female MS members?".no
yaaar. I was just like a regular boy in your neighbourhood who gets
such a high hearing compliments from any female. Which normal fella
wouldn't?:)
I remember Sonika's first comment to my review on the book "Living the 7 habits"
- simple & funny in a matter-of-fact way. But I'd this initial
perception that she was very formal and a no-nonsense woman with a
stiff upper lip! And slowly, as I began to read her reviews, I realised
that this PhD lady can be so hilarious and quite warm & jovial in
her reviews or comments.
And so, here I was, moving between Sujata's and Sonika's comments or replies to me. And even when Sonika
used to leave her rather stiff or cold(or so I assumed) replies, I
felt dejected all over again. With a hunched back & packed bags, I
trekked again with a sour face to search for the next lady's comments
who could rescue me from the psychological emptiness inside. Like the Lady Knight saving the prince in distress:)
That could be anyone including Chimera(Swathi), keerti_007(Keerti), bluerain(Ria), artsed(Lisa), bewafa(Ena) or nenners(Neha).
Yes
MS, or more specifically, its members, made me feel better after that
tragic love story in Bangalore but I was gradually sinking into another
pit because of my addiction for appreciation. Finally, it reached the
limit where I could not write a review or comment even when I sincerely
wanted to do so. I realised I didn't really want to sit for two or
three hours to conjure a review or comment in "great English". Crazy thoughts like "What will the MSians think if my next review or comment isn't informative or masti enough for them?". My ego, after all the "adulation" it received, couldn't handle that thought and I quit. Quit writing reviews or comments.
So,
have I matured now? Will I strike a balance in my life and begin
writing reviews again and only when I sincerely feel to do so? Sadly,
I've not yet shed my egoistic walls. Today, I'd rather sit back and
simply smile at others reviews and encourage them anonymously.
(continued in comments.)
