Poof!. Review on Hawa

Insistence is a strange trait in humans. Of the different kinds of people we come across in our daily lives, there are those who stand out like sore thumbs. They are difficult to miss actually. They know very well the futility of the task they are carrying out, yet plough on for no particular rhyme or reason. I call this particular class of people “DONG-MENGers”. No, lest you mistake them to be some Chinese pals of mine, I wish to clarify that it stands for “DO-No-Good, MEan-No-Gooders”. Guddu Dhanoa, the director of “Hawa” holds the distinction of being the latest entrant in this category.

I lay in bed on Sunday afternoon, gazing out of the window at the falling raindrops and wondering about my own pointless existence in my claustrophobic little room. I wanted to go out and do something interesting. But what? There was a flash of lightning and the brilliant idea of watching “Hawa” at the multiplex adjoining my house entered my head. In hindsight, I should have discarded the idea and spent the rest of the evening writing a review on “A Prisoner’s Diary – Part 3”.

So I decked up myself in my Sunday finery and went off strutting like a peacock to the recently opened multiplex - “24 Karat” (incidentally, it’s been added under “Shopping Malls” on MS. Can a responsible employee change it to the right head please?). Fortunately (or unfortunately, as I realized much later), I got one of the few remaining tickets and within 5 minutes, was feeling mighty jealous of Tabu as she buys a grand secluded bungalow at Manali.

So, Sanjana (Tabu dear), her 2 little daughters (imaginatively given Russian names, “Sasha” & “Misha”) and a perennially confused brother (Vicks Vaporub or something he’s called) buy a bungalow and move in. The next 2 hours or more were the most horrific I’ve ever spent watching any movie so far. To call them horrific would be a gross understatement actually. I’m in the process of coining the right word for that particular state of suffering and promise to share it with you all within a day or two.

The screenplay runs something like this…

Tabu sets up a handicraft shop in town – an old lady stares at her for 5 minutes and then gives her a talisman – Tabu finds the lady dead on a bench – the police cant find any trace of her cadaver – a lightning strikes behind the Bungalow – the locals perform a pooja to ward off evil spirits – Tabu’s pet dog goes missing – when it comes back, tries to kill Tabu but dies, thanks to a strategically placed sharp instrument nearby. For the next 30-40 minutes, candles light by themselves, the wind howls loudly, curtains blow wildly, a combination of wild dogs and jackals howl outside Tabu’s window at night and for 5 nights in a row, Tabu wakes up everyone in the house, they run out terrified in unison, but return back by morning.

Just as I was thinking of getting up and walking out for a smoke, the “Casper” makes his presence felt by raping Tabu. Oh hell, I didn’t know that even ghosts and ghouls have sexual desires to satiate. Thankfully, the intermission happened soon thereafter and I rushed out frantically to send warning SMS’s to Karan and our friendly Casper on MS (Spooks) not to venture anywhere near a theatre screening this movie. Lets hope I saved 4-5 manhours there.

Post interval, the director piles on the agony on the viewers. Tabu gets scared again (the 6th night) and runs with her kids and bro to a pal’s house in the middle of the night - confides about her shocking rape by an entity she couldn’t see, returns back home the next day – goes jogging – does exercises – looks up to see her car parked bang in the middle of the bridge leading to her house with no driver inside – she goes to investigate – the car chases her – Tabu beats PT Usha’s long standing Asian Games record in the 400 metres hurdles – later, she gets a free joy ride in the car which drives by itself (includes one spectacular shot of ramp jumping). Tabu gets raped thrice more by the ghost – admits to a doctor that she actually enjoyed it on one occasion – the quack suggests she’s suffering from a split personality disorder. The next 30 minutes are full of banging doors, falling chandeliers, blowing curtains, et al. (copy/paste of the pre-interval session)

Finally, the quack gets a Para-psychologist (an urbane tantrik) who doles out some humbug of a story about a well behind the house where “adivasis” were buried alive and apparently one of the dead souls escaped from the well on the night the lightning struck and satisfied his long-curbed “libido” by raping Tabu repeatedly.

Sounds like a great story for a successful horror movie, doesn’t it? If the Bollywood fraternity really have the time and monetary resources to blow, I wish they would make something more sensible and palatable. There is nothing that even remotely resembles an understandable plot. Add to that the usual tried and tested formula of the usual scary antics like banging doors and flying curtains aided by loud background noises and we have a highly amateuristic menu to choose from.

Some of the characters are particularly comic. Tabu’s brother for example, he spends the first half feeding the pet dog and sleeping in the hall alternatively. Miraculously, he just disappears in the final 40 minutes or so and is nowhere to be seen in the picture. Then the doctor, who I’m still not sure if he was a gynecologist or a psychologist. How can I forget Grisha Kapoor as Tabu’s friend? She seems to be inserted more as a “filler” and juts in and out of scenes as if in a dream.

The movie is not totally bereft of positives. Tabu shines in a role tailor made for her and breezes through the role. Unfortunately for her, this seems to be a wasted opportunity to showcase her acting prowess. The cinematography too is quite good, as are the special effects which are by no means path-breaking but clearly stand out, nevertheless.

Director saab, Guddu Dhanoa! He’s one amazing survivor in the industry despite handing out duds after duds. I very much prefer him directing the likes of Bobby Deol in “no talk, only shoot” movies.

Please, please, please, don’t be misled by the film’s posters proclaiming it to be a horror movie with generous doses of “sexual violence”. I’m sure there are a hundred other ways to spend an evening with your family/spouse/friends. Watching this movie is more horrific than what even Tabu goes through.

The movie is like a hot air balloon – one prick and it goes “Poof”! Be warned!