He sat in the swanky drawing hall of his sea side apartment. A few gentlemen with serious expressions sat nursing their Lime cordial drinks. One of them decided to break the silence. He appeared to be the money bag. The types you see who wear their financial arrogance on their sleeves.
‘Look let’s first hear what you have to say. You know the last few outings did not go well. In fact we had to pay overtime to the ushers to sit in the halls. This time we will aid you but that will come with a lot of inputs from us. So tell us’
The gentleman with the white kurta and a stub looked nervous but very enthusiastic.
‘Uh. Umm. There is this excellent love story inspired by Romeo and Juliet’(groans all around from the seated gentlemen)
‘No No Misterji you do not understand we cannot fund unprofitable fantasies. The last time you spent so much on drapes and blue color. And before that we just managed to escape the lack of color. You have to think of something better and happier’
‘No Sir I will make it peppy and happy and have lots of period dresses because this story happens in the early 20th century’
‘No No please you have to make it in today’s times. You keep the period dresses if you want. But it has to happen today. We want a lot of violence’
“Uh, Oh I will see to it that there are lots of guns. And a gunshot every few seconds. It will make even the US feel inferior to us’
‘Ok you do that. But is there a village like that in India? ’
‘ Uh Oh no we will create a fictional one located in my favorite state just so that we can have traditional dances and hand clapping every few minutes and I will personally compose the music for that’
The gentlemen looked at each other doubtfully.
They turn back to him
‘No we are not sure we want you to do that. We want contemporary beats and undoubtedly there must be an item song’
‘Don’t you worry sirji? I will ensure that you hear the beats ringing around the theatre. I will have original human claps recorded from 1300 people resonate across the halls in every song. I will make sure you hear the strains of music from my previous films and some Russian rhythm as well. We will of course have an item song with a famous actress and we can thank her in the beginning for that.’
‘Ok we are getting confident about you now. You seem to be understanding the ways of working. Ok what about the raunchy element. Even the Indian superman picture recently had a child mouthing dialogue which left every decent parent’s jaws agape. We need to beat that’
The man in white with the stub thinks for some time. He is now convinced he is getting the funding and wants to please the gentlemen as much as possible.
‘Ok let me think creatively. I will have the Item girl actress button her already unbuttoned blouse suggestively looking at the hero who will return her gaze appropriately. We can then have the hero and heroine discussing each other’s sizes. The hero can even run his fingers across the front of the heroine. This is the in thing I know. I will do it creatively’
The men rub their hands in glee. They were glad that this gentleman was now getting sensible. They decide to push it.
‘Ok so no more dreary scenes of solitude of the hero and heroine. You must introduce raw elements with lots of violent people. Make it gut wrenching’
The creative man in white has now given up and is actually enjoying this new side to creativity.
‘Not an issue, we will shoot the entire movie in a dry dye powder factory and we will have 2000 extras who do not seem to have any purpose in life other than to kill each other. We will ask them to break into a jig every time they see the jimmy move towards them’
‘We need dances representing the entire country’
‘Oh that’s not a problem sirji, we will have various styles to take care of that. We will have dandruff free hair dance accompanied by a slow mo, an area of expertise of the south and then some clapping dances representative of my favorite state’
‘And violence? ’
‘Oh yeah for the violence to be effective I will have a lady don cut the fingers of her daughter with a betel nut cutter’
The men around the table cringe. The tables seemed to have turned. This man was getting more colorfully violent.
‘And we can set the tone for the violent love story by scenes where men hunt down children and try to kill them with guns. To exemplify we will have gun stalls selling Kalashnikovs. We will need at least 2200 guns’
‘Uh that many. But we may not have that many in the whole country? And you want it one village’
The man in white is very confident now
‘ Look ji, you want commercial, I am giving it you. I will have actors costumed like they would be in a 16th century historical. Lot of gun powder flying around amidst the love story of two individuals who are key members of two warring clans . And to communicate the I am even going to have every villager on Twitter. To make it even more contemporary I will have an attempted gang molestation which will be stopped in time by a mature gang member, have the heroine lunging for the hero’s lips like there were no tomorrow’
The men are now squirming
‘That is some heady mix. We will fund you. Do you think it will work? ’
‘You just watch. People joked about me and blue drapes. This time they will wish the rainbow did not have so many colors! They will get obscenity in their face till they start squirming. So much violence that they will be scared to step out of the halls. Molestation scenes to make anything happening outside seem tame. Total paisa vasool. And what’s more like I told you I will pick up the baton for the music. So now do I have the monies or not? ’
The gentlemen are sweating.
Yes he had it all wrapped up. The critics would be confused whether to pan it or call it an explosion of colors! He was striking back with a vengeance.
‘Ok’ they say weakly.
But the master in white has already gone to work.
‘Ok everyone, get down to work. I want all the men to shave their chest hair pronto. And you there get those 100 meter long drapes . And you when are you getting the 2200 guns? Someone get me 1500 smart phones and tweet. This is the movie of the year. I am angry at how people have treated me and I will now show them. Fire away’
Bhai Bhai!
And in other news, Ram Leela released to full houses. We had grudged the director for his uni dimensional colors and slow stories. So this time he adopts a change of tack. There will be guns galore. Smooches you cannot even count. Setting in an era you cannot guess. Could be anywhere between the 18th to 21st century. That’s Art. Suggestive.
Well the actors and actresses exchange statistics that probably tailors will want to know in public and even more. Maybe tantra yoga even. There’s enough dye to be produced to run a factory for a year! All the extras in the industry have been employed.
So generally that helps the CSR quotient. Story? Its Romeo and Juliet. If you pry further you are requested to send in your queries to dye& gunpowder@SLB.com and we will take care of your prying senses with betel-nut cutters. Music.
Yes, you will find it inviting. Don’t get shocked every time there is synchronized clapping by 1200 people. The actors act their heart out. You will feel for them and wish they killed each other at the end quickly and put an end to this agony for them and for us.
Bhai Bhai!
