Dus ways to a BLOTCHbuster !. Review on Dus

It's never easy to understand the psyche of an Indian movie-goer (yours truly included).

How else do you explain the statistics below on Dus by Anubhav Sinha?

# Times of India movie critic says * * * (good)

# Our MS members honor Dus with a 52% recommendation based on 29 reviews (as on Jul 15 '05)

Reading the above had my brain in splits. Should I watch Dus or not?

Having nothing better to do the entire day except tickling my roommate, I finally allowed Dus to take over. The rest, as they say, is cemetry. Rust In Peace!

Literally. What else do I say about a movie that resembles a Porsche 911 with no upholstery inside?! All style and negligible substance.

But I do understand that there is always a few pros in every mishap. Dus teaches me 10 ways to a commercial failure. Let us wear our glasses, light our intelligence (smoking is getting banned in Indian Cinema, I hear) and learn what they are ~

the 'Dus Bahane' vaporiser

The song was simply hype. The music and Abhishek Bachchan's envious pelvic thrusts was like a popcorn that vanished before you could savour it's taste!

Evil 'Esha' Dead hairstyle

Horror movies, pull out your notepad. Introduce your female ghosts with the hairdo worn by our Esha. I cringed. Poor girl, she deserves better than to be dressed like a Yorkshire Terrier.

Zayed Khan's peekaboo

In the 'Chham Se' song, Zayed's dark boxer shorts is cleary visible beneath his flowing kurta for a while till the Dus crew cried uh-oh and immediately took him back to the dressing room. Too late. They forgot/didn't bother to reshoot the faux pas!

Bazooka Blunder

Baddie Gulshan Grover proudly flaunts a bazooka on his shoulder and fires at Zayed and Abhishek who're fleeing on open ground without any protection. And ya, you're right! He misses them everytime. Duh-dly terrorist.

Made in Bomb-bay

There is this vehicle bomb in the parking arena that can explode the entire stadium and the 20,000 viewers in it. But Zayed, our bomb expert, nonchalantly traces the bomb despite the presence of armed henchmen at every nook and corner of the stadium. And you know what? He rides the vehicle to an isolated ground and blows it up without a single bullet or henchmen pestering him. They were too busy enjoying the game, I guess.

Trust thy enemy

Sanjay Dutt gets caught by a 6-foot powerfully built henchman. Instead of kissing the Dutt's life goodbye, our dumbie takes him hostage. Leaving his revolver within arm's reach of Dutt, this fella goes to another room to answer a phone call! Trust your enemy and you will be rewarded in heaven.

Art of smiling, at death

This is the height of serenity at death. This lovely girl (dunno name) gets shot in the head while watching a cartoon. The gal must have loved the toon (or glad she was disturbed) 'cause she is all smiles after receiving the metal smooch on the forehead. Kodak has acknowledged to confer her a gallantry award posthumously.

Martyr Mania

• This contains spoiler. Read it at own displeasure

Abhishek traces a bomb to a small aircraft. Instead of leaving it on the empty runaway to explode, our tragic hero hops into the plane and crashes it into the sea! As usual, Al Qaeda's job offer reaced our Bachchan Jr late.

The Dus Rhyme

The makers of Dus, look what you did. You named the movie Dus and prompted me to whistle muck, shucks, yucks, s**ks, f.......

Enough is enough. How can I keep criticising a movie? I'm a human being too. Let me salvage the movie before it sinks.

The redeeming points...

~ Shilpa Shetty's matrix-style kick

~ Abhishek Bachchan shines, as usual

~ Sanjay Dutt's swagger and emotional moments

~ Pankaj Kapoor's virtuoso act from start to finish

and finally,

the Dus-th point

Time Management Course by Arindham Chou...sorry...Anubhav Sinha

The tagline of the movie says - Every hour, every minute, every second...counts