'Cannes' Bollywood make it?. Review on Cannes

Guess which movie event caused the biggest excitement among the Bollywood glitterati this year? Definitely not the Filmfare Movie Awards dahling, that is so passé.

This year, all eyes are directed towards the Cannes Film Festival, which is currently being held in the south of France. With Bollywood getting globally ambitious, it is not surprising that our top actors and directors are tumbling over each other for photo-ops at this great meeting of world cinema.

So let us take an objective look at how we are performing at the Cannes. If you count the number of official films being screened from India, it is equal to the number of countries where a free, democratic government has been established after pre-emptive US invasion. For all you ignoramuses, that simply means zilch, none, zero, nil. So what are the likes of Aishwarya, Mallika, Nandita and even Subhash Ghai doing at the Riviera?

For starters, Ash can comfortably be called a veteran at the Cannes, having been a jury member 2 years ago. But alas, time doth not maketh this woman wise.

Just as we were forgetting the horrors of the dead rabbit wrapped around her neck (OK, it was an Armani rabbit, but a rabbit nevertheless), here she comes with an array of new fashion disasters to bestow upon us. No one can deny that Ash is blessed with something that most Indian women would kill for - a flawless complexion coupled with delicate features and a proportionate figure. Now, if you were lucky enough to look like that, would you draw the attention away from all this to your unshapely, untoned back? Well, Ash just did. Maybe she forgot that there would be flashbulbs popping at her from all directions, or maybe she is vain enough to not realize her flaws.

As for her histrionics in the world of cinema, the less said the better. Take French cinema itself, which is home to stunning beauties like Juliette Binoche, Isabelle Adjani and Sophie Marceau. Each one of them can match up to Ash in terms of looks and surpass her by far when it comes to cinematic achievements. Just goes to show that you cannot keep blaming the media for not focusing beyond your looks, when that’s all that is there.

Our second representative, Nandita Das, has proven herself as a versatile actor. Sadly, she is not glamorous enough to attract the flashbulbs and all we saw of her was looking lost in the midst of her fellow Cannes jurors. She has been sensible enough to wear and promote traditional Indian attire, although her red sari did not exactly find approval with fashion gurus. Looks aside, we can all take comfort in the fact that she is a worthy jury member.

Now to my favorite - Ms. Mallika (the queen) Sherawat. The queen of what you might ask? Of Bollywood? Nah...not so soon. She is the current reigning queen of the news-hungry media who rush to her doorstep at the drop of a hat (OK..maybe not a hat, anything Mallika drops is fine with them).

With Mallika riding to fame on Jackie Chan's next action flick and Orra jewels trying to ride to fame on Mallika's much-discussed body, we had a virtual media circus, when Mallika called a press conference preceding her Cannes appearance. She and her designer Anita Dongre proudly announced that they would stick to the 'Indian' theme for her apparel and what’s more, Mallika would be bedecked in Rs 4 crore worth of jewels. That was enough to send the reporters into a frenzy, with many of them asking if Mallika would get to keep the jewels after the Cannes appearance. Yeah sure, just like you and I get to take our tables and chairs home after work.

Anyways, all our collective excitement has finally come to a head with Mallika appearing at the Cannes today, in the company of Jackie Chan and a few other stars from 'The Myth'. And did we feel disappointed? No way! The Indian theme has faithfully been adhered to, with Mallika looking like a courtesan (euphemistically speaking) from the 16th century. As for the jewels, I honestly did not even notice them as they were completely overshadowed by Mallika's natural assets. Sorry Orra, you just lost out on a lot of publicity. And Mallika, you might as well give the jewels back; they don't make any difference to your 'outstanding' personality.

Last but not the least, a mention of the assorted Bollywood riff-raff that is hanging out at the Cannes this year. Subhash Ghai is promoting the English version of 'Kisna', now titled 'Beyond Love'. Methinks that 'Beyond Tolerance' would have been appropriate for this movie.

Then we have Akbar Khan looking for buyers for Taj Mahal. Maybe its too early to say this but the promos of this movie are so horribly boring, even the lead actors look like they could use a break.

And completing the picture is the premiere screening of forthcoming movie 'Naina'. It is surprising that iDreams, the production house, dared to take this movie to Cannes, since it is a rip-off of a mostly unknown Hong Kong film 'The Eye' (https://mediacircus.net/eye.html).

All said and done, the Cannes Film Festival will come around again next year. We will again see a load of media hype about Bollywood making an impact in international cinema. So will we fall for it? Why not I say, Bollywoood at Cannes is definitely more entertaining than Bollywood in India!