Big & Bizarre. Review on Big Bazaar, Mumbai

Politeness and courtesy be damned. And why should shoppers expect courtesy in the first place? After all, there's a kleptomaniac gene in every shopper. If Winona Ryder could do it, you're but a mere mortal. So don't complain when the Big Bazaar security guards at the exit insist on checking your bill even after you have checked out and are carrying your stuff in a sealed Big Bazaar bag.

Don't flinch when he eyes your shopping bag suspiciously. Many of you would've read reports of Big Bazaar security personnel at the Mulund store brutally beating up two persons accused of shoplifting. One of the accused died four days later. Now, isn't that too lenient for a heinous crime like stealing a razor pack?

What do you expect, huh? That they should hang a ''WELCOME SHOPLIFTERS'' sign at the entrance? The first time I went to Big Bazaar (Lower Parel), I remember seeing a huge display inside which read ''IF YOU'RE CAUGHT STEALING, YOU'LL BE HANDED OVER TO THE NEAREST POLICE STATION.'' The warmth of the welcome moved me so much that I almost choked on tears.

The store stocks almost everything that the wide world has to offer - garments, appliances, home effects, furniture, stationery, grocery, fruits, vegetables, sweets, jewellery - just to name a few. The goods you get at Big Bazaar can never be called outstanding by any stretch of imagination, but then you aren't outstanding either, are you? At best, you can be called understanding because you don't mind waiting patiently in the serpentine check-out queues on weekends. The prices? Sasta. The quality? Achha, as in achha sila diya tune mere pyaar ka.

The other day, I picked up some stuff at the store and came out. I had to go back in again because I had forgotten something. When I went to the Baggage Counter to deposit the Big Bazaar bag, they refused to take it saying ''We do not keep anything that's in a Big Bazaar bag.'' Now, isn't that absolutely normal? A baby doesn't go back to the womb. Why should you insist on taking a Big Bazaar bag back into Big Bazaar?

The store really gets crowded, especially on weekends. If you enjoy the heady cocktail of sweaty smell, food odour, raw vegetable aroma and the pungency of cheap air-freshners, then this is the place to be. I suspect they do their bit of conserving energy by pumping in very little fresh air and recycling the blissfully stale air to save on air-conditioning costs.

The result? Huge savings on electricity bills and a little inconvenience to customers. Whoever said ''Customer is King'' had a splendid sense of humour. He can go and take a walk. On the aisles of Big Bazaar, of course.