Till few years back, like a novice, I would innocently jump in the air at the very mention of the word CV. Nah! I didn’t have a clue what this acronym meant, instead I had my own acronym for the word CV --“Cheese Vada”.
Few years later, I was frowned to find out the real meaning of the word, which wasn’t half as scrumptious as what I had initially thought it to be. How CV could be curriculum vitae, ( Latin for ‘life story’)? I mean, it could so easily have been anything more compelling like ‘Completely Virgin’, but not to be.
When a teacher of mine told me that if you were looking for a job, then it was very essential that you understand how to offer yourself in the best way to an employer.
This was done by writing a ‘CV’, then I knew that coefficient of variation (again CV!) between actual meaning and expected meaning was really high.
CV writing has had never been my forte. A friend of mine had told me two golden rules to help the matters, which I later used as a guideline for writing my first profile. The two rules were --
KISS - keep it simple, smart
If they didn’t hear it, you didn’t say it. (or vice-versa)
So, protocols were out for me to pen down my first brag statement, that’s what we do or we are told to, atleast. We honk about the vices that we didn’t do and keep mum about the virtues we could have done and didn’t do.
Like anyone’s first kiss, my first CV wasn’t perfect either.
Objective/goal- My goal is to be a rocket scientist. But since I possess no training in this regard, I suppose I should try Journalism! I guess it is pretty obvious, if I am applying for some job, my immediate objective would be to get through that.
Personal details- Isn’t it suppose to be personal? But, you have to give it in detail as the name suggests. Marital status? Single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments. Now this is what you call as detailed.
USP - This is the hardest of them all to answer. How am I different from others? Do they expect me to answer “I will take the chaos of your office and reform it into a semblance of simple disorder. I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise.” (Sorry couldn’t find more adjectives starting with ‘e’). But, I believe it really is impossible to stand-out among a mob of strangers. Imagine going for an interview and counting your USPs as below-
I am qualified, assuming others are not.
I am hardworking, assuming hardwork isn’t invented as yet.
I am honest, assuming other candidates have police records pending against them.
Sounding senseless!
Probably, only thing that can differentiate you from others is
“I will work without salary, assuming others would weigh their pay-packet before accepting the job.” Wow! this may do the
trick.
Here are my qualifications for you to overlook -
Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
Post-graduation- Lets talk about it post-offer letter.
Accomplishments: Completed 12 years of school, 3 years of college, 2 years of post-graduation in a country which has a illiteracy rate of around 40 per cent. Isn’t it breath-taking?
Experience- - My first job was working in a fruit juice factory but I got canned and couldn’t concentrate. They said my work wasn’t fruitful and that my excuses were just so much “pulp fiction.”
Then I simmered down and tried to be a chef, figured this sage advice would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme and was peppered with insults by my boss.
I scored a musician job, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy and wasn’t getting enough sax. The pay scale was a few octaves too low.
After a lot of sole-searching, my next was a job in a shoe factory. I tried but I just didn’t fit in and my boss was a real heel.
My last job was working at a coffee shop, but I complained it was always the same old grind, and the bean counters said that was grounds for dismissal.
So I retired and I found all previous jobs weren’t for me.
Strengths - Excellent memory, strong math aptitude, excellent memory, effective management skills and very good at math.
Weaknesses - That is for you to find out. I have some self-esteem and ego left in me.
References - I don’t believe in jack. So, kindly give me a job based on my skills and not on some reference.
Note - If this resume doesn’t blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.
Now, if you are thinking the entire piece is corrupt (C) & villainous (V), one must recall that is what we are talking about. CV! Atleast, now you know what not to write in your CV.
