May 15, 2001 02:06 AM
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I knew I was screwed upon first sight of the movie poster, with it's high-gloss close up of Jennifer Lopez, or J-Lo as she has been calling herself these days, with her head cocked to the side like a little puppy and a ridiculously cheery smile on her face. Behind her stands Matthew McConaughey, or M-McCo, looking as vacuously narcissistic as ever, smirking smugly. And the words: The Wedding Planner. It was enough to make me retch, which I did loudly and in public, convulsing and cursing as I lay dying on the lobby floor. (Just joking folks!)
Luckily, The Wedding Planner turned out to be a bit better than I expected, though really, all that means is that it didn't give me instantaneous cancer of the eyeballs or incite me to some sort of suicidal rampage, both of which seemed distinct possibilities beforehand. Instead it only incited me into excruciating fits of boredom, as it slowly meandered down the requisite and predictable path between set up and conclusion, pausing occasionally to make me wince.
Before it slides into tedious monotony, however, The Wedding Planner is actually mildly charming. It opens with J-Lo as the title character, giving a heartfelt pep-talk to a distraught bride just before slapping on a mission control headset and commanding her wedding forces in position. ''Is that the wedding planner?'' someone in the audience muses. ''Her life must be so romantic.''
Of course, because this is a movie, it isn't. Instead, she is an obsessive compulsive spinster who plays competitive Scrabble and eats leftovers while watching the Antiques Roadshow alone in her dark apartment. J-Lo is almost
likable instantaneously. The movie calls her to be a bit goofy, and though this slapstick is new to her, she ambles through it quite nicely. It is a bit of a stretch though, to see J-Lo as some sort of recluse.
In any case, as she walks down the street one day, she is nearly run down by a runaway dumpster, but M-McCo is there to push her out of the way at the last minute. It's love at first tackle. Her savior is a pediatrician and after he bandages her up, they wind up in a park where an old movie is being shown, and they dance. M-McCo is his normal bland self, full of swarmy smiles and cheesy charm, and he always looks like he is posing. When they look longingly at each other, J-Lo seems to be looking deeply in his eyes, whereas he merely looks as if he is checking out his reflection in hers.
J-Lo believes he is perfect but what's this...he is the fiance of her new VIP client, B-Wi-Sa, Bridgette Wilson-Sampras. For a few scenes, as J-Lo tries to remain professional and as M-McCo grapples with his desires, The Wedding Planner prances about like the Ernst Lubitsch and Howard Hawks films it is doing its best to imitate. But this feeling doesn't last long. We know they have to end up with each other, and the filmakers have no idea how to distract us from this predictability other than throwing a bunch of silly characters on the screen.
First and foremost is A-Ro, or Alex Rocco, as J-Lo's dad. What hppened to this guy? He looks and sounds like a post-lobotomy Wookie here, with hair everywhere and flailing arms. This partially shaven sasquatch is suppose to be the father to the heavenly J-Lo? I don't think so, even if the plot means for her character to be Italian. Which is another thing: Maybe I am too picky, but that Hispanic accent throws me off.
In addition, there is the wacky foriegner love interest with the bad accent, the high pitched high energy office assistent, the cute old people in the Scrabble club, the rich WASP parents of the bride, and an incompetent boss. Stop me if you've seen this sitcom before.
Giving The Wedding Plan a nasty aftertaste is the realization that though there is a sheen of comity and niceness to the entire movie, all the characters act in the most selfish and dishonest ways. Please where is a runaway dumpster when you need one?
