As ever, I want to ramble, crib, fret, fume, bewail, complain, fuss about, bemoan, and lament about some more Bollywood names. For years together I’ve been fed on a nutritious and wholesome diet of the filmiest of Hindi movies to become the dementedly filmi person I am today. I lay complete blame on these top 5 worst filmmakers who uninterestingly stick to formula, unwilling to experiment despite their big budgets and huge stars, making some very pedestrian, predictable, and pathetic movies.
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~~ 5) Subhash Ghai
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This pompous man makes movies as if he is God’s chosen one, so we mortals must go down on our knees in gratitude whenever he announces his next. The Showman? The only possible explanation for this Showman bit is maybe because he ‘Shows’ himself in one scene in each of his movies, doffing his hat and showing a thumbs up sign like an imbecile. His movies are only pretentious, crass, and over-the-top.
Like Khalnayak - take away Choli Ke Peeche, and what you have left is a typical ‘Bindiya aur Bandook’ category movie. Like Saudagar which was nothing but an excuse to play on the supposedly landmark casting of Dilip Kumar and Raj Kumar together, and a sorry tale was spun around it. Taal, Pardes and Yaadien were also like Subhash Ghai himself, - bloated and gassy. I don’t remember having liked any of his movies other than Karz and Meri Jung. He must also never be forgiven for throwing on us the likes of Vivek Mushraan and Meenakshi Sheshadri (omigod, sorry for mentioning scary names)
~~4) Dharmesh Darshan
Anybody who consistently makes movies like Raja Hindustani, Mela, Haan Maine Bhi Pyar Kiya, and Dhadkan ought to be a stark raving lunatic servant to the formula. Each of them are more loud, more senseless, more ridiculous than the other. The temples of hamming.
~~ 3) Dev Anand
Do you know anyone else so hopelessly out of sync with audiences’ sensibilities? What kind of movies does Dev Saab direct? Doesn’t the poor old man have any well-wishers or advisors? Who finances these and why? Love in Times Square, Main Solah Baras Ki, Censor, Gangster, Awwal Number (which incidentally, he wanted to call ‘Number One’ but better sense prevailed), Pyaar Ka Taraana, Sau Crore, Sacche Ka Bol Bala.
It appears like he picks up the morning newspaper, superficially scans through the headlines and decides to make a movie on a particularly newsworthy item that appeals to his cinematic craftsmanship, completes pre-production, shooting and post-production in 20 days flat, all on a shoestring budget, with tacky or no technicians. He doesn’t direct, he only makes his actors imitate him. Even his uniformly buck-toothed heroines, whom he digs out from God knows where?
~~2 Aditya Chopra
Nobody who makes movies like DDLJ (OK, kill me) and Mohobbatien ought to be spared. I miss the psychology that is at work here, that goes behind the making of such movies that promote youth to be wimps, pining besotted lovers, too spineless to stand up for their love, and inviting torture and tribulations from principals, parents, taking pride in it, coz hey - by doing so we are following bhartiya sabhyata and all such associated bunkum..
We have a tie. Two undisputed winners. Two worst offenders and both take up the first position:-
~~ 1)
I’ve said this so many times, I should have it printed on a T-shirt and walk about town wearing it. That -
Karan Johar is the Worst Director ever.
Even in my wildest of deliriums I cannot imagine liking his genre of movies. I relentlessly pray that such cinema dies as early as possible, like how the equally stupid ‘lost and found’ genre of the 70’s and 80’s finally died its slow and painful death. Johar's movies are hollow, repulsively extravagant, stuffed with huge stars, and insist on educating us that pyaar is not dosti, dosti is not pyaar, pyaar can arise of dosti, but dosti can’t be forgotten, and pyaar is the ultimate aim of life, and dosti-pyaar-dosti-pyaar-dosti-pyaar-dosti-pyaar, Aaaarrggghhh!!!! Since we are slow, thick and dunce, we must thank Karan Johar for these tutorials again and again. Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham and Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. Besides dosti-pyaar, the angel that he is also wants to convey how ''its all about loving your parents''!!
‘Karan Johar movies’ can be a generic term for all movies like Mere Yaar Ki Shaadi, Mujhse Dosti (there, again) Karoge?, Kal Ho Na No. Whoever their directors, since the script and screenplay was Karan’s, so he spawned them. In a sense, he is the mother. The media attention and awards given to his hopelessly mediocre movies is definitely an expensively purchased and well-orchestrated PR campaign. It can be seen through and through.
&
Sooraj Barjataya
I get so angry after watching his movies that I’m driven to desperation. I want to grimace and stab a teddy bear repeatedly with a sharp knife. I want to asphyxiate cute Pomeranians. I want to wring the necks of pigeons and parrots. Don’t ask what I’d like to do to smiling samdhis and samdhans. I want to plant bombs under the dining tables around which 40 family members of his movies eat, laugh and make merry. I want to banish all secretaries, drivers, dafli players, servants, milkmaids who stand in a line and sing ‘dhiktana dhiktana dhiktana’ or otherwise conduct antakshari sessions, or hide shoes in weddings as if it’s the most exciting thing to do in one’s life, or otherwise play cricket matches in those sickeningly sprawling lawns around their mansions, with dogs as umpires. I want to release a dozen wild elephants to run amok all over their family amphitheatres, buses and glitzy palaces, and I want earthquakes to ravage the mythical township of Sundarnagar.
This is the man who started it all. I squarely blame him for the sissification of Bollywood and the regressive values Hindi Cinema and Television suffers from today. The maker of Maine Pyaar Kiya, Hum Aapke Hain Kaun, Hum Saath Saath Hain, and Main Prem Ki Diwani Hoon. Whatever will he inflict on us next?
