Apr 02, 2003 04:16 PM
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(Updated Apr 02, 2003 04:28 PM)
Journey by train courtesy the Indian Railways could be an experience ranging from pleasantly delightful to agonizingly long & painful. While 4-6 hrs journey times are affable, journeys exceeding 18 hrs may require a combination of skills, experience & endurance to survive till your destination shows up.
Being a victim of these 18hrs of travel during my Engg college days, I had over a period of time, developed strategies/methods/tools to keep myself amused during the journey. Presenting the 10 most important things(with a few revisions to my original list) to carry with you. * Objective: Mission Timepass.(TP)
1. Its always necessary to make your presence felt in these kind of journeys for you to have a continuous effect on fellow passengers. A suitable way to achieve that is to wear a I Love OsamaTshirt(preferably with Osama's Photo) & enter ur compartment from the side which is farthest away from your seat. This way everybody notices you & are already making opinions. For this theory to work, you should enter the compartment only minutes before the train is scheduled to depart. This way you register the maximum audience.
2. This one is reserved for your Ticket Collector. Once you see him approaching, wear a hat that resembles a Magician's Hat. Keep your journey ticket inside this. When the TC asks you for a ticket, give him an Airplane ticket(you should be able to beg, borrow, steal any airplane ticket). Enjoy the look on the TC’s face and listen to his argument(s) with rapt attention. Dont speak immediately. After a few seconds, confess your undying love for the Indian Railways & say how inspite of having an airline ticket, you really wanted to travel by this Train. Look at your fellow passengers when you plead your case with the TC.(Dont be surprised if somebody is really sympathizing with you). Continue the argument for some 2 more minutes.(or more.you are the director! Take your pick). When finally the TC reminds you that you cant travel without a proper ticket & you will be shunted off the next station - Kneel down, raise your head heavenwards, close your eyes, bring reverence to your face, move your lips silently as if saying a prayer. Then in increased decibels say some tribal lingos, finally end with Abracadabra. Open your eyes. Paste a smile on your face. Look at the TC & slowly get up. Announce that the Almighty hasnt pronounced you guilty. Remove your hat, take out the Ticket and show it to the TC. Notice the awe, surprise, some dropped jaws around you.
3.This Syndrome can continue right till the end of your journey. Every time the train stops in a station, make desperate attempts to read & pronounce the station names - Letter by Letter. The moment you have finished reading all the letters, 'join' their sounds to pronounce the station's name. Confirm whether what you pronounced is right, with the oldest of the fellow passengers. If he says right, raise one hand & punch the air.
When you find it getting a bit boring(you will after doing it for 6 7 stations), the next time you pronounce a station's name(assuming the fellow passenger is still sane & sitting next to you), start a discussion. Say that the Last time you traveled by the same train, this station was never there. While your fellow passenger replies you, count the number of times he says a particular word. After he is thru with his explanation, tell him you didnt understand & ask him to repeat again. Count again, the no. of times he repeats the same word. Report to him the count status for both the iterations after he has finished his explanation. Question him why there was a deviation in the no. of times he repeated that word, on the 2 occasions? And start another argument.
4. Just when everything seems to be settled, people have'accepted' you for what you are, pull out your suitcase. Your suitcase should have a sticker with BOMB printed on it. Keep the suitcase on your lap, stroke Osama's beard on your tshirt, and look inquisitively at your fellow passengers. When you have most of the fellow passengers now staring at the BOMB, tell them that in the Plane which you traveled(so that you could catch this train) BOMB is the abbreviation for Bombay. If a smart alec wants to know which airline is that, tell him its your dad's private Airline and is yet to be named.
5. Everytime the train passes thru a tunnel, light a Torch & flash it on every fellow passengers face. Keep it flashed on every face for 1 minute. Give a tensed smile & then change the flash to the next guy. Repeat this process till the train is out of the tunnel.
6. When its dinner time, take out a huge 3 tier lunch box, & dozens of fruits from your bag. Place them palatably around you. Tell your fellow passengers that its your FAST today. Even before they can react, continue'In my religion, during a FAST, you are supposed to eat all your fave dishes, but not share it with anybody'. If somebody asks you'Which Religion?' - Let out a word which you have often struggled to pronounce all thru your life, with the liberty that you can pronounce it the way you want it. In between, also flinch one or two bites of what the others are eating, claiming that'Those are my fave dishes too, & my Religion insists that I MUST eat them, otherwise it would amount to insulting the food'.
7. When the fellow passengers are getting ready to sleep, catch the youngest of them and in a terribly sad voice say'I have this habit of reading an article from the magazine before I go to sleep. Since I cant read, I wud request u to pls read & explain it for me. Otherwise I cant sleep'. Coax him, Cajole him, Plead him, keep begging him till he says'Give me the damn book & which article do I read for you?'
8. After listening to the story, just before you get to your berth, change into a Superman's outfit & announce'Attention Earthlings! You can all sleep peacefully. I will protect you against any theft'.
Wot? You dont have that outfit? Ok. Then carry a tshirt with a picture of Superman & tie the bedsheet provided by the Indian Railways around your neck. Dont forget to stick a 'S' on the tshirt & the bedsheet.
9. Before going to sleep set the Alarm for 5 am. Let the alarm go on for a few minutes. Once the fellow passengers have woken up, profusely apologize & tell them'My Religion needs to do my morning prayers regularly at 5'. If somebody else asks you'Which Religion?' - again let go an unpronounceable word. If a smart alec says'Hey this is different from what you told yday', shut him up saying'Superman pronounces it this way'(remember you are still wearing that tshirt & the bedsheet).
10. Minutes before you reach your destination, get up & announce'It has been my most memorable journey in my entire life. I would like to preserve memories of this journey having your autographs'. And having said that, start moving with an autograph book, and ask fellow passengers to sign, along with their names. Shake hands with them(after all they endured you right?) after they sign.
For the time being, I sign off.
