Coming straight to the point, Mumbai city is motley of unrelated homo-sapiens clubbed together under the compulsion of yet undetermined factors. The major clans of this chaos include;
Maharashtrians / Ghatis / Shivaji Clan: This clan can be recognized by their typical round and ugly faces, matching to their bulging tummies, and pathetic sense of dressing. Females are no better. Exceptions are far and few. This clan can be easily fooled in the name of Shivaji. I have successfully used the above formula with good degree of satisfaction. These people are artificially brave and never ever take an independent stand on anything under any circumstances; therefore their leaders are the happy lot. However, these people are quite trustworthy because of their simple nature. These people can be found in all parts of Mumbai and outskirts, therefore avoiding them is not possible.
General Survival Tips: Shivaji, when in trouble.
Special Attraction: NA
Gujratis / Gujjus / Jain Clan: These people are lovingly hateful. These people have very clear fundas about life; they value their community above everybody else, are artificially inclined to the worship of God, are selectively fashionable, are extremely cunning, and boast of some exceptionally beautiful females. These people can also be found throughout Mumbai, but generally live in clusters. Some of the best posh areas in Mumbai are controlled by these people, therefore I hate them.
General Survival Tips: Trust at your own risk.
Special Attraction: Women, and Navratri Festival
Punjabis / Panju / Sardar Clan: These people are the best of the lot. They are one of the most genuine people. Never indulge in any unwanted altercations, are least hypocritical, don’t lie unnecesarily, and have beautiful females. These people though clever can be trusted, but fools beware. They have a tendency to indulge in fights, but in Mumbai instances of such eventualities have been few. They are mostly located in western suburbs, but have dispersed in different areas with time.
General Survival Tips: Don’t act oversmart.
Special Attraction: Bhangra and Females
Essential Disclaimer: Writer belongs to this clan, though is not a surd.
Marwaris: These people are found in abundance in India and abroad, except in their own land i.e. Rajasthan. Along with Gujaratis, and Punjabis, they control major portion of trade in Mumbai. These people, like Maharashtrian, are ugly looking, including females. These people can be described as cunningly stupid, and often get aggressive with or without reason.
General Surival Tips: Avoid
Special Attraction: Can there be any?
South Indians / Maddus / Anna clan: These people are also found in great number in Mumbai, especially located in Central Mumbai. They have dark but, not so ugly, faces. I have found some exceptionally sexy females in this clan. Are Literate fools, because they sometimes show characteristic features of Marathis. Have a tendency to shift to Madrasi language at a slightest opportunity, and like abusing in Madrasi only, irrespective of their subjects.
General Survival Tips: Sophisticated use of English and working knowledge of Madrasi.
Special Attraction: Idli, Dosa, Females (if you get lucky)
Christians / Catholics / Desi Angrej Clan: These people seem to be the most liberal of the available choices, therefore chances of finding short term flirtation subjects are more, though the satisfaction level may not be that high. These people have also managed to corner some of the most lucrative properties in Mumbai, but like their furniture, these are also in dilapidated state. A well to do Catholic house can be characterized by a fat old lady, followed by at least three bulldozer size dogs.
Survival Tips: Don’t take “beware of dogs” board lightly while visiting their houses.
Special Attraction: Liberal attitude, chances are better.
Parsis: This clan has always remained, and will remain, an enigma for me. They don’t let outsiders in, are extremely conservative. I have, during some of my adventures, peeped into their private lives, and have found it to be very dull. I have often heard stories of beautiful females not getting married, because of their unwillingness to marry outside. However, these people are extremely trustworthy under normal circumstances. But, since they are pretty timid, they should not be trusted for important occasions. Females are beautiful but unexciting.
Survival Tips: Don’t get too adventurous
Special Attraction: Don’t know still
Bhaiyas / UP Bihar Clan: These are the fast growing population in Mumbai, hated by all and sundry (including me), for no logical reason. These people are essentially found in dormitories of Mumbai i.e. areas starting Mira Road to Vasai. These people are characterized by filthy living habits, extremely poor dressing, unnecessarily haughty attitude, and genuine stupidity. For time immemorial, this clan has been tortured the most, and so is the case in Mumbai, and yet people want them out from Mumbai for unknown reason.
Survival Tips: If you are not clever with them then you are big fools, this is what they think not me.
Maintain Safe distance, as the chances of spitted upon are high.
Special Attraction: Are you kidding?
There is another clan which I am not discussing because of the sensitivity involved.
However, I do recommend Mumbai after having got successfully adapted to it using the above self generated thoughts. You may also use it to your benefit. :)
Caution: Credibility of the above information is subject to the naiveness of the readers.
