Oct 10, 2003 09:33 PM
4914 Views
(Updated Oct 14, 2003 11:28 PM)
This 'different' movie trying to teach the un-initiated the age old 'Rules of Attraction' ( patented by Dadi/Granny), is the ultimate disaster movie I have seen in recent times. I mean it is bigger than even the Titanic disaster! At least Titanic left the wooden hull to rot in the bottom of Atlantic... this movies sinks straight into a Black-hole of illogic without leaving any traces behind. Surviving 131 minutes of nonsense marketed as modern Bollywood movies is in no ways less arduous task than surviving a Nuclear attack!
In case even after reading my review, you decide to watch this movie... may be... just may be my rules can help you survive the Holocaust. ( NO WARRANTIES... GUARANTEES IMPLIED)
Rule #1 : Think that you are donating to a Charity!
This typical Bollywood formulaic movie, despite all the hype... has nothing new to offer. It follows the older-than-Dadi Bollywood Instant Film-making Formula
Skimpily clad Models + Good looking Hunks + Indi-Pop fusion music + Romance + Comedy + Melodrama + Action + Beautiful locales - sensible story - meaningful dialogues - any serious attempts at acting/editing/direction!!! = B-grade Bollywood movie.
This movie is Fashion-World meets Bollywood. Most of the movie is Photo-shoots, Cat-walks, more photo-shoots, more Cat-walks... you get the drift? The Actors, the side-actors (extras), the Director, the producers, the promoters... well everyone related to the movie seems to be from the Fashion-World!!
With so many Models entering into Bollywood these days, there seems to be a trend to make more & more films related to Fashion-World to make these 'imported props' feel at home. The second movie in line after the movie that went BUST before it could BOOM ( I swear to God... I haven't been able to muster enough courage to watch it... despite all the temptations).
The casting for the movie justifies the word 'Hollow-Cast'. Hollow in acting...great Bods! Meera Vasudevan (as Radha), Milind Soman (as Vikram), Namrata Barua (Maggie...oodles of oomph!)...well almost anyone you can remember... except Tanuja ( as the wise Dadi) who has done good acting! Phew...What a relief.. whenever the camera focuses on her... in this otherwise full-of-drudgery flick.
So in case you still decide to watch this movie... consider the money spent on 'DVD Rentals' as donations given to a NGO trying to buy clothes for all the poor models in Bollywood, who cannot afford to buy enough clothes to cover their body. This will help you overcome the guilt of having blown your money on this dud movie.
Rule #2 : Count from 1 to 1000000 forwards first & then backwards. Repeat 5 times
Between all the Photo-shoots, Cat Walks & parties, here goes something called 'Story' in this movie...
Photographer Radha (Meera) working for an Ad firm is besotted with Love for hunky model Vikram (Milind) who has a thing going with Maggie (another model). When Radha who is a sorta nerd is unable to make Vikram love her... Dadi (Tanuja) steps in with her 5 Point Instant formula to trap a guy.
The 'Rules' are revealed ( like in revelations ) one by one ( 1 to 5) by Dadi to Radha (and us). Needless to say the poor bakra Vikram has no other option but to fall victim to these 'Rules' like a brain-dead goat! ( what else do you expect from Milind? Oscar winning acting?!)
In between... we get to hear about Love, Romance, Kiss, Gay issues etc. etc. from some assorted unknown characters - a kitty-party going lady, a house maid, a mistress, a gay, a couple of politician-looking film-producers/directors etc. etc.
Before you could make some sense of what's happening... you get bombarded by song & dance sequences which seem to pop-up at all the wrong places, having little or no relevance at all to the plot.
You need infinite patience & endurance to bear this movie.
Rule #3 : Pretend you are a Hyena
This film is so full of below-the-belt comedy. Just 2 samples of so-called 'Jokes'...
The most romantic place Radha & Vikram find to have a romantic chit-chat is the tip of jumping-board in a swimming pool! When they try to get up (how dumb!)... they lose balance. Vikram falls into the pool while Radha hangs on to the jumping-board. When all efforts to convince Radha to jump fail... Vikram cracks a joke 'I can see your panties'. Voila... Radha jumps into the pool ( and the cinema hall is filled with clapping & seeties from the front-benchers)
When Radha fails to coax Dadi to tell her the rules, Radha asks her Dada (grandpa) & the rule he reveals is 'Don't fart in front of the guests'.
I am not saying you CAN'T laugh at the 'Jokes' in this movie. You have to pretend that you are a male hyena making mating-calls!! HE HE HE HO HO HO HE HE HE... There you go
Rule #4: Hang on tightly to the Life-boat (Remote)!
It looks the Director & the Editor felt immensely nostalgic about their 'Labour of Love' while shooting the climax scenes. The movie never seems to End!!! You expect ... it will end now... it will end now... but no Sir! The Director is in no mood to end the 'epic' movie.
After introducing us to all the assorted comment-passing characters & how they are related to the mostly side characters. We get to see an action-scene of Milind climbing on to a giant balloon like Tarzan to save Jane (Radha). You think this is 'It'... wait!! Scenes involving Dadi follow...
I fast-forwarded at 64X speed! The Max. speed possible on my DVD... but still this 'Magnum Opus' simply refused to End!! And finally when the Credits started rolling... I felt like I had won 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire' ( or 'Kaun Banega Karod-pathi')
And the final & most important Rule is...
Rule #5: Don't smash the DVD to pieces in sheer frustration
Remember that you have to return this DVD to 'India Grocers' tomorrow morning. It will cost you $25-$30 if you break it!! It is just a stupid B-grade movie on DVD & not some 'The Ring' type movie on Video Cassette which will kill you in 7 days... you'll survive, that is... if you follow all the rules!
