BREAKING NEWS: Pak Team Take up Pacific Procession After Losing Tie To India…. Excerpts below.
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The Pakistan Cricket teamhad just been trashed, bruised, battered mercilessly by the Indian team a day back and had got credited with more shame than match points required to qualify.
Back at the comforts of the dressing room, an inconsolable Pak team is sitting, their eyes hastily moving across a spate of articles lambasting their abysmal performance, the possible fear of shame now assuming the dangerous form of public outrage, houses being burnt, and flashes of Sack Orders repeatedly tormenting their tired minds, occasionally coupled with glimpses of Sachin hitting Shoaib for a towering 6 over covers. The Last thing that the team wants is a journey back to Pakistan.
The Pak coach, holding his crestfallen head with both his hands, time and again shaking like a reckless magnetic compass endlessly trying to figure out the north.. gets up in a whiff and announces “Boys ! I have decided. We cant go back to Pak. Instead we will jump & die in the Pacific Ocean. That’s the only way to save us from further public humiliation.”
The team which till then was speechless, surprisingly hardly takes time to come to terms with what the coach had said. Almost unanimously, rather gleefully, they accept the verdict. Agreed this was an escape route, but they had the option of going back to Pak & being stoned / burnt to death OR jumping in the Pacific. Pacific looked cool. This was one of the rare instances in the history of Pak cricket, where all team members, agreed upon a common decision.
After hrs of travel, escaping all prying eyes & media glare the Pak team arrive at the shores of the exotic Pacific Ocean. The cool breeze and gushy wind makes Shoaib comment “Inshallah ! If they make a stadium here, I can bowl at 200 kmph”. Waqar, is just not impressed “Abhey Chup! To hell with your express deliveries. We didn’t play the World Cup so that you can create records in bowling speeds. Moreover you will get wickets, only if you ball straight, not above the batsman’s head or wide outside the leg stump”. Shoaib is visibly perturbed, and is about to retaliate, when the voice of the Pak coach settles the temper.
“Boys! We are here to die.” Said the coach in a very restrained tone, attempting to make eye-contact with all players. “We couldn’t win matches for our people, but I think atleast we can die without making any mistakes. I have also developed a brilliant strategy for this.”
The Players look at each other, nod in appreciation. The coach picks out a small piece of rusty paper from his breast pocket, runs his hand repeatedly over it as if invoking a genie, to iron out the crumples, and lays it in open in front of the team. “This is where we are”, said he pointing to a red circle on a paper which bore a few lines, an odd shaded area & a multitude of crosses. “I had been mentally debating to decipher the exact location from where we should jump. The crosses that you see are testimony to that fact. After countless iterations, I have decided this as the spot which is to our right” said he, tracing a line with this finger, till he reached a point which had a petite “Jump” inscribed there.
The tormented team unable to strain their mind to event count 1 and 1, were only more than willing to accept what the coach said.
Afridi however had a doubt. “Sir” he started out excitingly, exhibiting a rare buoyancy in his voice “In what order do we jump? As per the batting order? In that case, lemme be clear, I was never made to open the innings. So I will not jump first….”. Saeed Anwar, who was thoughtlessly stroking his beard, suddenly got as though jolted by a 440 V shock and blurted “I think we should jump in the order of our batting averages. The guys with the lowest average will jump first and so on..”. And he automatically glanced a smirking look at Inzy (the memories of Inzy pushing him down still fresh).
Inzy who had just consumed 7.5 kgs of raw potatoes (you dont except an oven at the Pacific, right?) amidst 3 burps started to say something, when he got interrupted with another burp. He was trying his best to get up, but gravity seemed to get the better of him every time. Realizing that he only had to speak and not take a run, he continued with his sitting posture “Hey!! Why is everything revolving around the batsmen? I think the bowlers did a shoddy job. Let them jump first. Better, let the captain jump first. Isnt this called Run out by … I mean Lead by example..” and his voice slowly trailed off only to be followed by a resonating burp !
Waqar, till then a very mute spectator to the proceedings, just cudnt control his rage. Also seeing that this was an opportunity to settle scores with old foes, he rushed “Wait !! The pitches were not just suitable for fast bowling. The dew seemed to be having more control on the ball. I think the ageing members of the side, have let us down. We will take the jump in the descending order of our ages. The oldest die first.” Said he vehemently raising his arm & punching it, as though he had just maneuvered a Pak win.
This put Wasim in a spot of bother and Wasim was only expecting this to happen, some time or the other. For the grand young man of Pak cricket, who has tirelessly delivered when most required, who has consistently shortened up his run-up, but always increased his wickets tally, this was yet another test he was subjected too. He ran his hand twice through his hair, which preferred to give company to his drooping eyes, always falling down, cleared his voice and started off ”well… we may have many differences in our opinions. But in this moment of agony, where we seek each others shoulder, we shouldn’t really behave like we do in the cricket field. This is not a 50 over match, but a life time match, against limbless & yet powerful opponents and we are yet again to lose, not the match, but our lives. And this loss, will be the biggest gain for all of us. We shall all jump together & be together in these last moments”.
Wasim’s words seemed to keep on echoing even as the sun paved way for the crescent moon to take its place on a glittering sky. The birds were on a return flight, the waves had just picked up momentum, and were furiously hitting against one another as if waiting to consume this Pak team.
… Minutes Later
The team arrived at the scheduled spot & were ready to take the fatal plunge. The coach stood right ahead, closed his eyes, raised his head heavenwards and shouted “Boys !! Jump”. He jumped, a loud Thud of the furious water giving testimony of this jump. But the coach didn’t hear any more Thuds.
Pulled by the force, he still managed to turn around to see his boys, who were standing, hands on their hips, and a huge smile embossed on their faces. He realized he had been swindled and as if to answer why, the Pak team say in chorus “Sirji, yeh ‘match’ b fixed thi. Hum log jump nahi kar rahe hain''.
This was the second instance in the history of Pak cricket, when every team member abided by a common decision.
