Way to a man's heart????. Review on My Ten Least Favorite Foods

Before I elaborate on the set of the most awful gastronomic inventions and discoveries of all time following which ideally I would want to sue whoever gets the aforementioned on my table for punitive damages, please have a look at what some great men have had to say about food.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not wounded - dead.

--Unknown

Now then, you guys have been warned about whats about to hit.So just in case your stomach starts churning, please don?t curse me.(As a matter of fact, you can provided you don?t wish that I be made to eat any of the following items)So without much delay, here goes the list.

1) Eggplant

Egg-plants-I have absolutely no idea who was this criminal in God?s eyes which made nature produce one of the most tasteless and awful looking(once its peeled and made into a curry that is) vegetables. Think about it..why would you want to put the gas on a high flame, keep this atrocious piece of vegetable on it, let it roast till it starts looking even more disgusting and then put onions and garlic mash it and have it with parathas. For all those who have no clue what I am talking about, its Baigan ka Bharta. Why? I would rather let those violet things remain on the plants. Looks so much better. Then you have sugar sprinkled onto them and fried. Ok before all readers start plotting to kill me with no element of mercy, I would stop discussing this one.

2) Eggs esp. bull?s eye and poach

No I am not allergic to this combination of e, g and s. I am pretty allergic to slimy yellowish semisolid stuff that stares me in absolute delight as if it has scored a point by getting me all giddy. Those amoeba like movements make me go wild and as a result the slices of bread/toast which have been so innocently looking at me in anticipation have to be done away with simply coz of the former. Needless to say, the best way to antagonize me is to invite me to your place and serve me this for breakfast.

3) Oysters and mussels

Yes its gonna be a big surprise for all those who know me well because I am a seafood lover. I have tried most of the sea food items and relished most of them but these two stand out for the sheer blandness that they disappoint me with. They are again pretty shiny and slimy wriggling out of the plate all the time and as if that?s not enough, they are tasteless. Most of the dishes made out of these are spicy and lots of ingredients are used simply to add some taste. I have just one question, if it?s that tasteless, who add stuff to it and have it in the first place??

4) Milk

I can see most kids nodding their heads in agreement and gleefully exclaiming that the adult world after all has not completely lost its sensory faculties and retains some sense of judgment when it comes to food. Yes, I completely support you guys. If kids were to get any smarter or stronger by having milk daily, Einstein would have been taking lessons on relativity from a calf in a cow shed. QED.

5) Bottle gourd

Better known as ?louki?. In fact there is an entire class of vegetables like snake gourd, ?tinda? etc. which are probably some botanist?s source of delight for having discovered a new species but for lesser mortals like me, it?s a perfect tool for vengeance. People make kofta out of bottle gourd thinking that the very act of having those sweet-salty kind of balls in an exotic mixture of spices- a curry that smells great, would somehow absolve this vegetable of the intense injury it inflicts on one?s tastebuds but alas, it doesn?t. It aggravates the problem when these things are used as the main ingredient and a zillion other spices and vegetables are added to them.

6) Navratan Korma

Now then, if I want to have a dessert, I would rather that the waiter serve me chocolate cake or choco chips ice cream or Gulab Jamun. But why would I have something that claims itself to be a curry to be had with Nan or rice and then have the misfortune of having something so sweet that a Jalebi would get an inferiority complex? This curry has all the dry fruits you can possibly think of mixed with Mawa or Khoya and a whole lot of different kinds of vegetables and spices mixed and wasted to get amalgamated into a curry-dessert or dessert-curry..is it the former..never mind its not worth pondering over..

7) Upma

I am a south Indian who relishes every kind of Dosa, Idli, Attu, Appam etc. I cannot bring myself to like this though. Among so many alternatives, so many recipes you would possibly think of trying, I am clueless as to why so many restaurants serve this as breakfast. Its main ingredient is Sooji and since I like neither Sooji Halwa nor Sooji Upma, I have begun to believe that I need to check if any dish I am about to eat has this rather tasteless stuff in it. At times an Upma tries to redeem itself by adding cashew nuts to itself, but usually its bad and avoidable.

8) Rasberry

Be it the yellow or the red variety, these are essentially strange smelling, rather suspiciously cute looking things which have a pungent taste. In fact they taste like medicines and if one has to have something medicinal to relieve oneself of some sickness, medicines should be preferred to these round things which pretend to be so.

9) Ripe bananas

I do not know whether this qualifies as a fruit which I dislike the most but if it?s over ripe and usually it is, I have a problem having those soft, brownish, oversweet things which give me this feeling of dyspepsia. Yes I am not kidding. I believe I have a set of strong teeth which I frequently employ to cut food into pieces and my teeth do not have any particular problem with bananas and would readily do the job for me whenever summoned to do the same.

10) Marie biscuit

Before you guys proceed to rate this review as utter crap and pronounce me to be the greatest idiot since Don Quixote, please allow me to explain myself. I have no specific grudge against this round crème coloured , cute looking biscuit which is supposed to evoke very English tastes and accents in people ( remember that school girl ad?). My reasoning might appear redundant because the same applies to a variety of foods- If its so bland that I need to have tea or coffee with it, I might as well save myself the money and taste rather conspicuous by its absence and instead have a bourbon.

Enough endured. Ladies and Gentleman, I submit myself to your criticism. I apologize for having made you go through such a tumultuous journey evoking disgust and distress at various times.

Keerti