Location: Sydney Airport. Enter Greg Chappell and Karan Johar. While the former is leaving for India to return Dada the chappal he threw at him once, the latter is in town for shooting his forthcoming - Kabhi Thagela Na Kehna.
Karan: Oho, Mr. Chappell! How have you been doing? Would you be so kind to spare two minutes or three? You know, my films have this tradition of having celebrities in a blink-and-you-miss kind of roles like Kajol had in the movie Kaal Ho Na Ho.
Chap: But Johar, I’ve heard that you don’t pay those celebrities for the favour that they extend to you out of charity, which you rubbish as a friendly gesture.
Johar: No not at all sir. You see, I was the man who had given them a film like Kuch Nahin Hota Hai, and its only for their sake that they agree to be a part of my films. They are such sweethearts. (looks at SRK, hugs him and kisses in the air)
Chap: Nonsense! Firstly how dare you call yourself a man? Remember, there’s nothing in this world called friends. Ask any of my trainees, and you’ll know what I mean. Come on, the world knows what you are upto with SRK, a thing confessed by the Khan himself that a few people think him to be gay.
SRK: What do you mean? I agree that I’m more attracted to guys, but I have a decent wife at home with two kids proving that I have loud romance in my house. How can you justify yourself?
Chap: Justify? Haah. go and ask the media of your country, and they’ll stand by the theory that I’m the best justifier in the world. To prove that both of you are more physically than mentally attracted towards each other, let’s go to India to Mallika Sherawat. If you pass her test, I’ll merit your case, lest your truth be exposed like Dada’s was.
SRK: I’m game for it.
Johar: Then so am I darling.
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Near Film City, Mumbai, where Mallika Sherawat is currently having a smooch of her forthcoming film shot. Greg & Co. wait patiently for re-takes to get over.
Mal: Oh hellow Greg. How are you doing baby? And would you like to run with me in slow motion pleeease? (gives him a kiss on the cheek and sits in his lap)
Chap: I would surely do that babe. After all, Dada was so slow between wickets that I had to run in slow motion to catch him. Hahaha! Anyways today I want you to interview these two guys and check whether they are normal.
Mal: Sure. Ok first of all, let me know if any of you have seen my Murder ?
SRK: Ya I’ve seen the first half.
Johar: And I’ve seen the second.
Mal: Ok the two of you, let me know the storyline of the movie.
SRK: It deals with your character of Simran being unhappy in your married life with Sudhir (Ashmit). You married him for some small promises given to the family or something when his first wife died. But being starved of sex, you look unsatisfied, and on a fine rainy day, bump into an old buddy Sunny (Emraan) who is a DJ. He realizes your situation and takes advantage of your loneliness; you two make merry in the bed later on.
Karan: Ya and then, much unlike the subject-choice of my films, no fourth person comes in between the two of you. The husband hires detective and confronts the gigolo. Later, you realize about the character of the bf, and leave him. Only then, a murder takes places which sends a shiver down my heart. And finally, matters are sorted out in ditto manner as they were in the hollywood hit Unfaithful.
Mal: What about the portions that you found interesting? Were my sensuous kisses with Emraan more appealing or the love-making scenes? And what about my costumes?
(Karan hides his face under SRK’s coat)
SRK: Listen Mallika, all those scenes were not in the best of taste. I’d rather opt for Ashmit’s bravura portrayal of Sudhir’s character. They way he cries, I-i-i-i just can’t explain. It made my heart melt. He underplayed his role beautifully, and the reserved, yet concerned look on his face was an indicator that he is an actor of substance.
Chap: Oh funny! In my book gal, your steamy scenes were undoubtedly the main highlight of the movie, and the sole reason why the movie worked big time in spite of being a lift from the Holly hit. And I tell you, the absence of costumes for your character worked in favour of the film. Had it not been for it, the subject would have been dry and dull. As for your performance, does it really matter? We all are just interested in the body, not the soul!
Mal: That’s exactly the case. Moreover, the makers even created a publicity stunt during the time of the release that I’d backed out from doing a completely nude scene for the film, stating that my moral values wouldn’t permit me to! This also prompted Emraan to never work with me again. By the way, this film sort of established him in the industry. His performance was amazing, and the carefree attitude that his role demanded was played to perfection. Though he was ignored in the scenes featuring me, he made a mark with his screen presence!
Johar: This is rude. You know about the chemistry I share with SRK? We love...
Mal: Oh forget your love. Greg dear, I’m now sure that these two mortals are not normal guys. They just can’t seem to live without each other.
Chap: Just let them be. But the music by Anu was smashing. ’Kaho Na Kaho’ and ’Bheege Hoth Tere’ were seductive, and ’Dil Ko 1000 Baar’ was soulful as well. Also gelled well with the movie. Anurag Basu’s direction was upto the mark. As a second-timer, he has good command over the medium and as mentioned, has extracted good performances. Not only in the hot scenes, he calls the shot well otherwise too. Good work by the young lad! I’m take him in the team if he plays good shots on field as well.
Mal: And what do you feel about the technical aspects excluding my costumes which you already talked about?
Chap: Oh yea! Cinematography was of a good standard, and the dialogues complimented the mood of the movie. Editing was pretty good, but the screenplay should have been a bit more original. The negatives include lack of originality, not only in the subject but also in the presentation. A few factors however worked well, like your character, which was indeed realistic, never mind what you made it out to be!
Mal: Hey Johar+SRK, will you just leave us alone or should I kiss you goodbye?
Chap: Just leave them! These won’t appreciate you kissing them I know. Hahaha!
SRK+Johar: Ya ya we are leaving. But we won’t leave you Greg. SRK dear has some projects to do, but I’ll look after you. It’s my word so just wait and watch.
SRK drags him along.
Chap: (shouting back at Karan) Dada said the same thing too! Hahahaha.
Takes Mallika in his arms and walks away.
----------- P.S. Do read the first comment!! -------------
© Aliasgar Poonawala, 2006
