Chal Bollywood se nikla jaa!!!!!!!!!. Review on Himesh Reshammiya

All you Himesh Reshammiya fans, this is going to be hard on your minds (well, maybe not as hard as he's on my ears though!). So, sabse pehle, one big SORRY as long as his (un)spectacular nasal stretches which - what a surprise!!!! - are there in just about every song he's sung and composed! But my views are my views and I cannot change them just because everybody in town seems to like this guy. But yes, if there was some surgery to 'rectify' my ears so that I could 'appreciate' his music, I would actually do that.

I will keep this short and snappy. If you're looking for 'the life and times of Himesh Reshammiya', please read those reviews with four or five stars generously awarded to this composer. I'll contest his claims to fame point-by-point. If you find them acceptable, most delighted to get some company in the lonely 'non-Reshammiya fan' world. If not, go ahead and give this whatever rating helps you to release your anger at me. This is my space and those are your buttons.

THE ROCKSTAR'S EMPTY CLAIMS TO FAME

1.The rockstar labelling: To quote Roger Waters, "I gotta admit.... I'm a bit confused!" Hey, I never knew "Ek baar aaja aaaja aaja aaja aaaunnnnja" was rock, man! I never knew that nasal love-making was the way for Indian adolescents to unleash the rebel within. The problem is compounded by the fact that firstly, this labelling is self-styled. The media never anointed him rockstar voluntarily. He loves to call himself rockstar and say "Let's rock!". Atleast, that was the name of his gharana in Sa Re Ga Ma Pa. I can hear Ozzy Osbourne wailing,"Everything around you, what's it coming to?" After all, if he had known it was so easy for a rockstar to chart highly and yet "rock", he would have never had to chomp and swallow dead bats on stage, right? The second aspect is that you, Reshammiya's dearest fan, would have never heard of or care to know who Roger Waters or Ozzy Ozbourne are. So you, who has never heard genuine rock music, are dead sure you are listening to the greatest rockstar on Earth (Poor Uday Benegal! He didn't deserve this. Not even best in India? Pooh Pooh!). But hey, these firangi fellas I mentioned here, for all their extreme eccentricity, were brilliant musicians and never compromised on their art even with the censorship threat dangling around their necks. If you care to hear me out, Roger Waters recently performed in Israel, demanding the demolition of the wall separating Palestine from Israel. And he's now past 60. I do not think Reshammiya would dare perform at the Wagah Border demanding PoK back from Pakistan even now in the height of his youth and power. As for compromise, compromise is synonymous with Himesh Reshammiya. Mixing any sort of melodies, chords and beats will do to dump it on the masses.

2.Versatility: Himeshji, yeh to limit cross kar raha hai. Please let me know 10 genuine, purely musical points of distinction between Ashiq banaya and Ek baar aaja aaja and I will accept that he's genuinely versatile. Any change of sound from one song to another is probably attributable to hsi jukebox. He updates it all the time, ek dam up-to-date hain apna Himeshji. All the latest Arabic and Western pop music you wanted to listen but could not afford, just listen to Himesh Reshammiya. I don't need to substantiate this. In a newspaper interview, he went so far as to suggest that Arabic was the latest flavour in Bollywood. If you still can't read between the lines, no wonder you like his music so much!

3.Singing ability: If you were delighted at Reshammiya's composing abilities, when he started singing, you had to just go bang your head against the wall (relax with joy, yaar! It doesn't hurt anymore, thank you!). Yes, this is truly the most 'innovative' aspect of his music. He has broken the golden rule - sing with your mouth. No, he's all set for an entry in the Guiness book of records - the most successful singer to sing with the nose. I wonder what Shankar Mahadevan and K K Menon will tell participants in Fame Gurukul this time around.

Shankar: Sumitji, aap bahut achcha gaate hain. Lekin appki aavaaj mein jo nasal quality nazar aa raha hain, us par aapko work karne ki zaroorat hain.

Sumit: Main aapki baat se bilkul sehmat hoon, lekin aajkal ke gaayak to naak se gaakar naam kamaate hain. Kya main bhi rockstar nahin ban sakta?

K K Menon: Grrrrr damn that.......

Manav Gohil: K K aap kuch keh rahe...

K K: Nahin, nahin, kuch nahin, maine kuch kaha hi nahin, kehne ke liye kya reh gaya hain?

4.Mass appeal: I cannot argue with facts. The fact is this guy has tremendous mass appeal. I don't listen to his songs, they are thrust on me at tea stalls, restaurants, saloons, just everywhere on the street. No, it is his untold underlying contention that this is the way to appeal to the masses. At great risk of being hurled with a fresh deluge of bricks, I suggest that while the masses may not able to tell good music from not-so-good to the same extent as more discerning music lovers, they certainly do appreciate good music. If good music had no place in Bollywood, at least 90s and Y2K Bollywood, then AR Rahman would have been the biggest loser composer today. Next after him - Shankar Ehsaan Loy. On the contrary, they have enjoyed tremendous commercial success and at the same time, critical acclaim too. To say that people cannot appreciate a certain kind of music, so we have to dumb down, is a lazy composer's lament. Not a lament - it's an excuse behind which is hidden a lack of genius as composer. I'm not questioning his knowledge of music, but everybody who knows a lot about music need not necessarily be a great composer. And that may be Reshammiya's problem. But to blame it on audience's tastes is just cruel. These people are propping you up with their whole-hearted patronage and this is what you give them in return. Come on, make some seriously interesting music, man!

Now, I save the best for last. I appreciate one aspect of this guy - his guts. He had the guts to go and pull it off with his mediocre talent. He was not scared of what people would say. He went there and did what best he could and left it to the audience to decide - bouquets or brickbats, he took them all gladly. But his success is a wake-up call for the music industry more than anything. If he could become the talk of town, it clearly means people have almost forgotten what good Hindi music sounds like. They're having to make-do with what they get, comfortable in the knowledge that their pals are in the same boat as theirs.

Before I sign off, another BIG sorry for torturing you on a nice weekend with this write-up. But you are free to express your views about this and also Himeshji with no inhibition. These were my fifty cents to the task of piercing yet another bubble of hype!