Its just not funny. Review on God Only Knows

Writing, for me, has always been a passion - a cathartic experience. I can write on anything under the sun - I will do it as long as I am not forced to read my own classics. However I do not think this rule should be applied to film makers – every real or wannabe director must be forced to view his work of art 10 times continuously before he sets it loose on the unsuspecting public - call it self-censorship or whatever but I believe this can only do good for the film industry. Surely the world would have been spared of classics like Bharat Dhabolkar's (BD) ‘God Only Knows’. I digress - as usual - where was I? Ya.ya.. The purpose of this write up is not to review that movie but to promote my new book The Dummy’s guide to comic film making. However certain profound concepts might need practical illustrations so any references to the aforementioned movie are purely intentional.

This book is dedicated to

Ms Briganza - my all time favorite movie character

Subramani - my pet dog

Preface: I fooled ya, didnt I :-) If you thought I was about to teach you how to make a comedy movie you are sadly mistaken - No - By comic film making. I meant otherwise - How not to make a film – “comic” in that way - the ability to raise unintentional laughs - the sure-fire formula for sweeping the .. err..Razzies. Anyway since you have paid the cash, you might as well read this trash. Happy Reading !

Chapter 1: Thinking “out of the box”

Use all your imagination (if you have any) to get an appropriate title. You could name it with lots of grammatical errors (I: proud to be an Indian) or you could simply name it mysteriously Sshhh or even in alien languages like Fun2ssh. See, how creative BD was - he named the production house Why Not? and called his flick God Only Knows. The Mercury level in peak summer in Hyderabad or the curiosity co-efficient associated with GOK. - no prizes for guessing which was higher. Great start.

Chapter 2: Publicity, u dimwit, publicity

Stop !! You got me wrong. The louder you shout, the deafer people get.. Wanna know whats in? Doing things differently - and not doing different things :-p Have the premiere in Gangtok - Invite a select few who are endowed with a great sense of humor - Khushwant Singh, Simi Garewal, Jay Leno, Ram Jethmalani, Javed Miandad (so that he “Feels Good”) and Taran Adarsh. Once these people have seen the movie, I am sure they would have suffered enough to strongly recommend others to also go through ”the experience”. For example: consider the brilliant strategy adopted by BD. He released GOK in select multiplexes and then promptly took it off - he called it “A limited edition” - The Reverse Word-Of-Mouth publicity worked. And yes, don’t forget that he forbid all his stars from talking about the movie - Its another thing that there wasn’t anything to talk about.

Chapter 3: Got a producer? Start shooting - Damn the script

Everybody starts off with noble intentions of truly making a different movie - however somewhere along the line people lose focus - this, ladies and gentlemen, is the difference between genius and mediocrity - Don’t let lunatics demoralize you with unsolicited advice like “Be prepared” – “Planning is everything” – “Start with a hard bound script”. On the contrary, once you get the dough, seize the moment - you just need 20000 ft to make a movie - Just do it (Nike, there’s your in-review product placement - u owe me money). The script, btw , is incidental. Take GOK as a classic case. What is the movie all about ? Lemme try and sum it up for you. Lord Indra who''s been “A Frog in a Well” (a good well which aint Hell considering the abundance of scantily clad Menakas) wants to have a feel of Earth. So he sends Yama and Narada on a mission - to bring him a sample specimen - a typical 21st century earthling. And lo, a politician happens to be the chosen one. All hell (pun intended) breaks loose as the politician wrecks havoc instigating one God against the other sparking off dissidence. Indra’s reign is in jeopardy and fresh elections are called, poll campaigns evolve, daaru shaaru flows, mema shema abounds :-) It’s the dance of democracy. What happens next... GOK.

Chapter 4: How to handle the necessary evils - Screenplay, Dialogues, characterization...blah blah blah

Remember comedy as a genre gives you liberty to write any nonsense under the pretense of funny lines. After all, nobody can guess what the audience will like. Since its a Hinglish movie, audiences are expected to be “liberated and broad :-) minded” - Select any of the following options - ridicule politics, champion causes like rights of eunuchs, poke fun at Bollywood, laugh at yourselves, use foul language repeatedly, plagiarize old hit numbers, dress up women in raunchy outfits. Do not attempt anything remotely arty - go whole hog in commercialism.

In GOK, Dialogues range from -12 to -40 for humor on a scale of 0 to 10. The screenplay however is as “hatke” as it gets - a funny and lewd (?) scene is always followed by a funnier (??) Karaoke song (with lyrics that would put Backstreet Boys to shame) which in turn is followed by an even funnier(???) incident and so on and so forth...Pls note: Increasing number of ?S within brackets. Just to give you a sample few: The dissident Gods name their front C.R.O.T.CH (cant reveal the suspense of what it stands for) - The election campaign has half naked babes gyrating to popular remixed versions of the Nirma ad, Hum Kisise Kum Nahin qawwali and Kambakth Ishq.

Chapter 5: Thou shalt hire cheap and local

There used to be a time when movies sold on star value. Not any more. Producers don’t spend as much these days. So “Script is the hero” is the new mantra. And hey, the technicians don’t need to be the best in the business - after all the “common man”in the street never appreciates all the flashy techniques.

In GOK, stage and television old hand Anjan Srivastav plays the smooth talking politician, Dilip Prabhavalkar is the bemused and often befuddled Indra, Vijoo Khote plays the ambitious yet gullible Yamraj, Vihang Nayak is the omnipresent Narad and Sharbani Mukherjee is the hot and desirable Menaka. While these veterans do ample justice to their meaty roles - esp Sharbani :-)))) they are ably aided by tired gags and clichéd situations. There are also unforgettable cameos by Johnny Lever and BD himself but I cant explain more since I forgot. Camera work by Mahesh Aney is tacky, costumes are by Lovleen Bains of “Kamasutra” fame - a clear hangover seen here. Vincent Corda is an honorable man - he was paid less, he worked less - as editor he conveniently forgot to trim the film from its present running length of 130 mts to....hmmm...say... 15 mts.. I am being really generous here. Louis Banks in charge of music is the new and improved Bappi Lahiri version 1.1. The biggest let down was the really great Special effects by Ramesh Meer and his FX Factory - totally wasted in an earthy movie like this.

No postscripts in this book. Enough is enough.