Confessions of a Sugar Daddy. Review on Five Worst Movies of Alok Nath

Samdhis & Samdhans of MS... here I stand in front of thee... Aloknath, the king of 2-bit roles; the omnipresent Daddy, Uncle, Father-in-law of most Bollywood movies... to read a few pages from my never-ending filmography ( flashes a smile)

Buniyaad - a shaky foundation

I began my career as ''Masterji'' in Buniyaad TV serial at a tender age of 40. In fact this serial sort of provided a launching pad for my over-acting career. It gave me the confidence that if I could survive on the small screen for 3 years as a father figure who did nothing more than flash a sugary smile & a bulging tummy... I could definitely out-last 3 hour Bollywood movies. ( still smiling...)

While it is true that given my talents, I could have made a comfortable living by wearing masks in Ramsay brothers movies, the lure of reaching same heights as reached by the legendary late A. K. Hangal saab... Of course now we live in the more pleasant (Bollywood) times where my laachaar (helpless) daughters don't get raped. For all you know I can even wink naughtily at my Samdhan & no one would mind! ( smile continues...)

Hum Aapke hain kaun? - What's my relationship to thee?

In this movie directed by Sugar... I mean Sooraj Bharjatya, I play unmarried uncle of the bride-grooms. This movie was a watershed as I got to show my nimble-footed dancing talent & exemplary all-round cricketing skills. (shows teeth)

It's a movie that revolves round 2 Sangeets & 2 Baaraaths. There is also the scene of stealing shoes, a dog umpiring a cricket match between middle-aged couples, a broken bed, a dog playing cupid & some 20 odd songs. In between all this you also get to see a budding romance between Heros uncle & Heroines mother. ( winks at Reema Lagoo)

Well... I was always confused about my relationship with my Samdhan Reema Lagoo. Was she my Samdhan? Ex-Flame? Secret Admiration? sinful desire? an extra-marital affair? I had even suggested Suraj to add a third Sangeeth & Baaraath i.e. my own with Reema Lagoo. If SRK & Saif can sleep together innocently why not Alok Nath & Reema Lagoo? But somehow Suraj never understood it! ( appears emotional, dreamy eyed & about to cry)

It is a cruel canard spread by some of my jealous detractors that even the dog in HAHK acted better than me. I mean... can a dog flash the false-smile continously through the whole of 2 marriages? Can it repeat the same cliched sugary feel-good dialogues over & over again? Can it make the audience hold their sides when it is pretending to cry? ( smiles again)

Hatim Tai

I was pained to read that not many have seen this classic, where I gave a befitting answer to my bete noires who claim that I cannot play any other roles other than a father figure... by playing the king of fairies! No... not the homosexual men, but real fairies

Ah..those shining Velvet clothings & stockings generously gifted to me by the director. What would I do without them in the chilly winters? Full kudos to the director for clothing all characters in Ice-age clothing for a story happening in medieval Arabia. What an imagination! What a vision!

I still hold the white card-board crown as a memento, which I wear while attending Halloween parties.(shows all 32 teeth).

I played the father to Paribano Gulnar - Sangeetha Bijlani ( remember her? Surf & Azharuddin...), who is in love with human Hatim (Jeethendra reduced to Jumping Bones). I wish the director had also added those long white feather wings of Sangeetha to my costume too.

I had a stellar cameo appearance in (ever)lasting four scenes in this movie.

1) Where I do 'Honey I shrunk the kids' on Sangeetha & coop her in a parrot-cage

2) Falling off the throne when God does ''Shake well before use'' on the Fairyland after listening to & obliging Jeethendras long & ardent prayers ( even God's patience has a limit)

3) The scene where I order Sangeethas feather-wings burnt and she bleats ''Nahin...Nahin...'' without showing any feelings of pain on her face. What a memorable scene. I will talk more about it in 'Jeena Isi Ka Naam Hain' whenever Farooque Sheikh invites me ( I heard the cake tastes great)

4) 'Family photo' at the end of the movie

Hum Saath Saath Hain - We Seven live Together

Just imagine 7 people living together in a single house! Wouldn't that solve most of Indias housing problems?

I play Ramkishen, a man who forgot to use condoms... I mean a father of four sons & a daughter. The story crawls in between all the Sangeets, Baaraaths, bhangras, 10-15 songs... with everyone acting as do-gooders, sweet to the extent of being declared protected species... we all had a ball acting in this movie ( it is another story that the theatres went empty).

It feels so sad to see such a fine director from Sundernagar (well.. it is just 2 furlongs from Ali Baug) directing adult-movies like 'Main Prem Ki Deewani Hoon' these days (makes a constipated sad face)

Kabhi Kushi Kabhi Gham

I play the loving father of screeching Kajol & pooing Kareena. I die mid-way through the movie. Chweeet boy Karan Johar wanted to continue me till the end. But what could be done? It seems the distributors advised him '' Pehle se ithna rona dhona... uske upar Alok Nath in every frame. Audience ko maardoge kya?''

Anyway... no sweat. I had my fill playing my usual self till the interval. At least I didn't have to pretend to smile through-out the movie (and you think it's easy).

It is a misfortune that audience may have to wait more time to see me at my crying best. You win some, you lose some! Kabhi Kushi... Kabhi Gham...

Mujhe Kuch Kehna Hain - I want to say something

I wanted to say something... but you batted your eye lid & missed me.

I swear... I played Kareena Kapoors uncle in this movie. Don't believe me? Watch the movie holding your eye-lids with tongs. You never know when I make my totally expressionless entry & almost simultaneous exit from this movie.

The briefest inconsequential movie appearance ever shot! (Smiles Again.. Oh..please...I am getting diabetes)