There is an old saying. Several old sayings, come to think of it. Those sayings have no relevance here, of course, but it's best to begin with a statement unlikely to create controversy before plunging headlong into the subject of Beauty Pageant, which is sure to do so.
*“Inky Pinky Ponky, Father had a Donkey
Donkey died, father cried, inky Pinky Ponky” *
What’s all the fuss about beauty pageants? I love ‘em.(And so do all hot-blooded males in whose veins runs red blood.Apology # 1: Got carried away) C’mon, where else can you see semi nude women prancing around with smiles that are bewitching, lustful, sexy; all at the same time! They don’t mind you ogling at them. No sir! Au Contraire! This is the only time I can ogle all I want, with my tongue out and not get whacked in the solar plexus. Beauty Pageant are harmful my right foot!
Do beauty pageants bring out the “beauty”? I dunno, and frankly, who cares? To arrive at this conclusion, lets first understand the evolution of the beauty pageants.(I call it the Spooky theory of the Evolution of Beauty Pageant * *
Long time ago, when man was wearing leaves and living in caves, there were more women and fewer men. Sigh! Paradise! God got the balance of creation right. The blokes could choose which women he wanted, and for how long he wanted to “keep” her. The only problem was that females could not hunt.(Apology #2: For sounding like a male chauvinistic sweety pie). He had to hunt for his food with tools that you wont find in Hardware House and which the poor bloke spent days making. When he finally managed to kill something, it was because the animal died laughing at the “hunters’ attempts. Now since food was scarce, there wasn’t enough for many people. So, the caveman had to choose which female he wanted to keep, and which female would be used as bait the next day.
Your cave or mine?
And how did he choose? Refer to the saying above. (The inky pinky ponky one) Now you know its relevance in this review.
This is where the foundation of beauty pageants was laid.
Do I hear you going, ”oooohhhh, so that’s where he was going for the past paragraph.?”
While we arrogantly pride ourselves on how far we have come since we first began our evolutionary trek, how far have we really come? Even with all our modern machines, we are, essentially, still wrapped in loincloths-warring, hunting, and mating. Well, some of us are mating. Mostly guys with great hair and those in rock bands.
We went from huddling in small family units by open fires to our present level of technology in a blink of an eye. However, since the world of today is ruled by the female species, and since better tools are available for hunting, man could not do this “selection” openly. So, like the cunning dog (CD) that he was(Apology #3: to all my male bretheren: this is to keep the females happy), man decided to rationalise this by appealing to the vanity of the female.
“How do I look, honey?” “Sugar, I can’t see you! I am dazzled by your beauty” or, “sweet buns, you define the word beauty. Your beauty is the one Ghalib and Richard Marx wrote and sang about”, or words to that effect. Then, cunningly, “but honey, I heard so-and so saying Ms. Such-and-such was a looker”. Now as you will know, by sowing the seeds of doubt, the CD has paved the way for a beauty match.
Hearing about this, all the other females too wanted to enter. Soon, we have the whole world grounding to a stand still as all the women want to participate in a beauty contest. The CD is happy. He can now sit back, open a can of his favourite beer, or whatever, and ogle, which is the next best thing to selection.
Soon, we have females from all corners joining in the fray, and the CD thinks, ” hang on, I could make money on this as well”, and Miss Universe and Miss World companies are formed. The CD now can ask asinine questions like, “Given 3 choices, what will you like to do?”. The expected answers are: erase poverty, erase hunger, and, as Miss Congeniality so famously said, World Peace!. No woman would say: unlimited supply of cosmetics, blah and blah (I don’t know much about what women want)
The CD can now leer at the semi nudes prancing about with the above mentioned smiles, answer stupid questions, and crown the most beddable women as Miss Whatever.
I know jealous people out there would try and find holes in my theory of the evolution of the beauty pageants. To all of you, I say, go away. This is my theory of evolution and old Charles Darwin himself can’t refute it, given the Scintillating evidence presented here.
By the end of the review, I am bound to be pursued by shouting hordes of the female species who would want my (blue?) Blood. To all of you, this is a sarcastic attempt to criticize beauty pageants. I am absolutely against them and the way in which they portray the fairer sex. Read this review in the right spirit!
P.S: No animals were harmed in the writing of this review. No woman was insulted or leered at, at the writing of this review. The CD was taken away by the RSPCA and put down. With that, the beauty pageant died a natural death.
