Dear Lolo Didi. Review on Chameli

Dear Lolo Didi,

Finally after four years of trying hard to get rid of my Poo image, I bagged my role of lifetime. As a Kamathipura Streetwalker in a movie titled Chameli. We had fun shooting for this movie Lolo didi, I missed you so much, I had even asked director saab if we could rope you in as my elder sister and call this movie ‘Champa-Chameli’ but he didn’t agree.

This role needed preparation, Lolo didi. Director Sudhir Mishra asked me to watch Sharmila Tagore in Mausam and Tabbu in Chandni Bar, so that I could act a fraction of what they did. But those ladies looked so sadly sidey, so I made it a point to look like a glamdoll instead of their plain jane looks in those movies.

I even was asked to observe the actual streetwalkers of Kamathipura. But Lolo didi, those women are so repulsive, fat, unkempt, frumpy etc. How can your pyaari choti behna ever agree look like them? And so what if the role demands it? So I refused to budge from my sophisticated panache.

That means I still have my svelte figure, my peaches n cream complexion glows throughout this movie, I sport a diction that was Peddar Road desperately trying to sound Govandi Station East, and have the attitude of a cold Siberian Princess trying to be as happy a slutt she can possibly be. I carefully painted my cheeks red, and wore a spotlessly clean saree that tried hard to look garish but I made it look classy instead, coz hey, its me who is wearing it.

Now since your lil Bebo Rani is the star attraction of the movie, they of course summarily discarded any plans of developing a cohesive screenplay.

It goes thus:- Your Bebo is Chameli a hookerr who is on the streets on a rainy night and pesters the life out of a yuppy investment banker who is stuck there due to dysfunctional car/mobile. She tries hard to vend her assortment of services to him. He is weighed down by all troubles of the world and shuns her. She mocks at him, he gets further repulsed, while everyone else gets bored.

Then don't ask what happens coz suddenly cops come to bang me, eunuchs horrify my hero, and the action shifts to a PCO booth, a dance bar, an ATM, a police station and then a hospital. Really nothing made sense, and I’m sure the audiences would be left holding their heads to prevent the reeling.

To be very frank, I didn’t really care at all, and neither did any of the crew. All I wanted to be sure of, was that my make up was water-proof, my saree remained three and a half inches below my navel and my cleavage showed.

For my reluctant customer hero, these guys wanted an arty type, hence I’m opposite Rahul Bose in this movie. (Who is he you ask? The nerve! Have you forgotten you worked opposite Harish in your intro movie?) His wife is Rinkie Khanna (giggle, I’ll discuss her a lot when we meet next, just remind me) his troubled past is fleetingly mentioned, - but nobody was interested as it was so lame anyway.

I sent you the CD of this soundtrack earlier, Sandesh Shandilya’s tunes and Sunidhi’s vocals are simply superb, the art director did a decent enough replication of those streets of Mumbai where the Chamelis of the world ply their trade.

This could have been a good movie premise, of two people from diverse backgrounds thrown into each others company getting fond of each other despite themselves, but as I said the team and I were more conscious about my make up, my saaree and my cleavage. Lolo didi, I don’t know anything, now you just buy me an award for this role. At least a critics award please.

Your pet poppet,

Bebo to you, Kareena Kapoor to others.