I just want to sit down, bury my face in my hands and weep aloud in uncontained agony.
‘Main Prem Ki Diwani Hoon’ - proves yet again that Bollywood is theme bereft, story starved, idea bankrupt and creativity impoverished. A movie as impotent as this is tom-tommed as the film the entire nation is waiting for with bated breath. Mercy!
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So what’s Main Prem Ki Diwani Hoon (hereby referred to as MPKDH) about?
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If you thought the Rajshris make family melodramas only, its time to rethink. MPKDH delves into genres hitherto unexplored by Rajshris. Never before has there been such a dexterous amalgamation of a variety of film categories.
~~~ MPKDH is a Horror Movie !
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All those who didn’t get scared in Bhoot, surely these images will haunt you till you scream out of your sleep with cold shivers.
# A hellish monstrosity - Ruby Bhatia flung suddenly on unsuspecting viewers.
# Hrithik posing semi nude on a beach with a tiara on his head, pouting and watching his own nipples.
# Kareena Kapoor blushing and fluttering her lashes exaggeratedly
All this is designed to invoke your hidden worst fears, in a manner most terrifying.
~~~ MPKDH is an Epic Historical !
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It is set in a primitive utopia. An era when no photographs of a prospective groom were sent to a family. Probably in those times there was no facility of posting pics by mail. No sending files online via yahoo messenger. Though the movie does not specify its period, one can safely assume these to be the dark ages.
~~~ MPKDH is a Fantasy Film !
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It is about a mistaken identity, between two guys who have the same name. With this basic theme the movie takes you to the nether worlds, with events that are unlikely to occur in real life as they transcend the bounds of human possibility and physical laws.
Sis from Umreeka (USA) sends news to Parents in Sundarpur about a groom for a bratty sibling. Poppy picks up Wrong Boy from airport. Bratty falls for Wrong Boy and vice versa. Right Boy arrives later. Mommy wants Right Boy as son-in-law, Bratty wants Wrong Boy and chaos reigns.
~~~ MPKDH is a Movie Spoof !
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Remember Chitchor? Remember Na Tum Jaano Na Hum? MPKDH spoofs these movies brilliantly. Besides, Kareena Kapoor as Bratty spoofs Leena Chandavarkar, Hrithik as Wrong Boy spoofs his own duplicate to end up behaving like a hyperactive village idiot, and Abhishek as Right Boy spoofs a pillar with atrophy.
~~~ MPKDH is an Alien Invasion Movie !
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# A ghoulish, bejeweled blind man - a result of a multiple cross-fertilization between Bappi Lahiri, Ravindra Jain, & Adnan Sami.
# An affliction called Vrajesh Hirji, straight from Pluto.
Like in an Alien Invasion movies the aliens serve no other purpose than create a pesky nuisance, ditto these guys.
~~~ MPKDH is a Chick Flick !
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Move over Charlie’s Angels, here come four girls (friends of Bratty) who spy, fight, kick jump, whenever they aren’t incessantly giggling or eye-poppingly jiggling.
~~~ MPKDH is a Screwball Sex- Comedy !
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Ram Ram, tauba tauba, Allah rehem kare, what have the Barjatayas come to:-
# The word ‘Sex’ is mentioned by a crippled, wheel chair ridden Farida Jalal
# Extras go smooching unaesthetically in cars
# Cars jump up and down like someone is making out in them
# Chicks pout and thrust their bosoms at Hrithik. He reciprocates exactly
~~~ MPKDH is an Ocean Adventure !
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Periodically Kareena and Hrithik jump deep into the ocean to feed sandwiches to the resident famished fauna.
~~~ MPKDH is an Animal Action Movie !
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Don’t even get me started on the semi-animated Dog and a fully animated ‘I-squawk worse-than-Johnny-Lever’ Parrot.
~~~ MPKDH is an Espionage Thriller !
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Himani perpetually-over-the-top Shivpuri (Bratty’s Mommy) schemes sinister plots to palm off her maniacal daughter to the rich businessman. She sneaks into closets, spies on personal effects to gather clues about the imposter’s identity.
~~~ MPKDH is Film Noir !
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Abhishek Bacchan plays this dark brooding character with primary moods of melancholy, alienation, bleakness, disillusionment, disenchantment, pessimism in stark contrast to Hrithik’s act.
~~~ MPKDH is a Socio-Economic Comment !
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The movie acknowledges the Dickensian horror and heartbreak of a class driven society. Wherein a mother forces a Business Tycoon on her daughter based on his bank balance, goading her to stop mingling with measly menials.
~~~ MDKDH is a Sports Drama !
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Abhishek learns cycling (the poor dear doesn’t know how to), Kareena learns bungee jumping. There is also a cameo by a certain football, which responds to the name Rima Lagu.
~~~ MPKDH is a Psychological Thriller !
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Unhinge yourself as you watch Hrithik’s over the top act, over bearing, over enthusiastic, ‘I’m so cool act’. The climax has a quasi-heightened sense of anticipation, uncertainty, anxiety, and nerve-wracking tension. Whom will Bratty choose? Chew all your ten fingernails away in frazzled indeterminacy. One by one reach for all your toenails too, as MPKDH provides ample time, ceaselessness and perenniality.
~~~ MPKDH is a Third-sex Documentary !
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See the hijrotic expressions on Hrithik and Kareena whenever they mean to look erotic.
Especially when Hrithik peels off his T-shirt then rubs his palm on his chest. (By the way Kareena, why many clothes post interval? Those clothes look best inside the closet, not on you)
~~~ MPKDH is a Survival Movie !
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Mainly because it tests your survival instincts excellently. You are required to sit through host Ruby Bhatia’s (the frightful, screeching apparition) long drawn, nautanki-ish Valentine’s Day party, which is a simulation of a water dungeon and other medieval torture methods. This party lasts for 30 minutes of the 3.5 hr movie.
~~~ MPKDH is a Disability Appreciation Movie !
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There are certain times when I wish I was deaf. Most of these times are when I hear Chitra sing. The lady shatters glasses when she goes, “Sanjana loves yooooooooo” or “aaa ee yay aa aa ooo”. Couple this with an extremely bad Hindi diction and you’d wish you never had ears.
Any saving grace? After hard thinking, I conclude it were those popcorns I kept munching throughout the movie.
