Interesting one-liners

I received this as a post in one of the forums that I visit on the net. It is a collection of superb puns and one-liners. I am sure you will all enjoy these as much as I did. And, if anyone does not understand what the joke is in any of the one-liners, why, just ask me and I will explain it to you ... LOLZ :-)))

Here goes:

1. I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.

   
   




2. I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!

   
   




3. XXXXXXX

   
   




4. When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. Took her out with one punch.

   
   




5. I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."

   
   




6. Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

   
   




7. I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

   
   




8. I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

   
   




9. The roundest knight at King Arthur´s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

   
   




10. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian

    
    




11. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

    
    




12. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

    
    




13. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

    
    




14. No matter how much you push the envelope, it´ll still be stationery.

    
    




15. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

    
    




16. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    
    




17. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    
    




18. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, `You stay here; I´ll go on a head. 19. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    
    




19. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass".