You looked into my eyes and asked, "You wanted to tell me something for a long time,can you tell it now?" I was unable to speak,my throated became dry. I swallowed hard to ease myself. I was fumbling with a button on my right sleeve to buy some time,to gather enough courage. But time was ticking away mercilessly. I had to tell it now,which I tried to tell you from a long time.Or it will be too late.
We became friends at the beginning of the first semester,as both of us were in the same literature club. Intimacy grew as usual,but we were smart enough not to mistake it as love. At that time thinking anything except the career was absurd to both of us. We shared our dreams and desires,but many things left unsaid,untold. In these three years we never seemed to be dishonest to each other,we remained as best friends. Now,when our time is up and semester end is coming,I suddenly realized......I just can't live without you! Not that you became my habit,but the thought of not having you by my side is only killing me. Is that love? Oh,I don't know. But I know I simply can't afford loosing you. I want you to know that,but at the moment I am just feeling tongue-tied...Don't know how to express my feelings,but I am afraid also if you get everything wrong......
You tried to ask me again,but I couldn't do better. I just blurted out, "See,nothing so serious,I just wanted to tell you that I will miss you......as the semester ends we will not meet so frequently,so I don't want you to forget me......Just stay in touch,haan?" You looked disappointed. But I had nothing to do more than this. I simply didn't know how to express my feeling. You seemed to be absorbed in your thoughts. Then suddenly,quite unexpected, you asked me," Can I ask you something today? Are you in love with me? If yes,tell me directly." Blood drained from my face,I started stammering, "Nnnno,w-why Are y-you saying like that?Nothing like that, we are just f-friends......." You looked at me suspiciously for some time,then took a deep breath. Finally you said," Well,I also expected that from you. We are friends,it's better not to complicate that. I know you tell truth always,that's why asked you directly. I hope you didn't mind." Then she smiled,gave me a friendly nudge and stood up to leave. I was so numb with shock,I just couldn't say anything more than goodbye.......another chance was lost and the game also. I had nothing to expect more,as I myself sealed my fate today with my idiocy!
I stood there,staring at her shadow,disappearing fast.........If,IF I could tell her what do I really feel about her! Myself, Pankaj Chaturvedi Never told lies in my life,everybody knows that. Today you also got convinced easily,because of this reputation! But little did you realize,I started telling lies from that moment you asked me about my feelings. That also the biggest lie of my life that I don't love you! My friend,you let the stone roll,now I don"t know how to stop it. Nothing left for me other than waiting,let me see if sometimes I can express myself properly without telling lies.
